Red vs Blue vs Green 3: Cheat Code
by EthanFlux
Summary: Working together better than before, the Greens attempt to leave Blood Gulch. Their plans are hampered by the mysterious appearance of a Brown soldier who begins killing them one by one. Will they survive, and how will they live to see Earth again? Review/PM!
1. You Just Got Shitfaced!

Red vs. Blue...vs. Green

Story Three: Cheat Code

Chapter One: You Just Got Shitfaced!

**Greetings readers. Story Three is one that I have been really looking forward to writing because of the more action-oriented pace and the evolution of the plot. Even though the evolution doesn't get fleshed out in Story One, it does however begin to open up more questions. Please enjoy and review as always!**

If you were new to Blood Gulch then you might not have noticed it at first. If however, you had been there a while; you would be confused as to how a totem pole had appeared on the top of one of the cliffs. Even more confusing is why the artist decided to carve Spartans in it. Five to be precise, and moving ones at that. You would then realise that it wasn't a totem pole when you noticed the sixth Spartan climbing up the others...with great difficulty I might add.

Enemy slipped as he tried to get a footing on Phill's knee. "Hey! Watch where you're climbing!" complained Phill. Being the third man up, he was in serious danger of not only hurting himself in the fall, but being crushed by the idiots above him.

"Just hold still!" shouted Enemy, holding onto The Commander's foot as he adjusted his footing. "Keep your knee steady." He said.

"He he, that's not my knee." Laughed Phill cheekily.

"Eww, dude. In your dreams."

"You mean 'In _**your**_ dreams'."

"You're fucking hilarious, Phill. I knew you were a full-time soldier, but I think you're overburdening yourself also being a full-time arsehole."

"Both of ya, shut up!" ordered The Commander. "Take a lesson from Name; he's been holding us all up this whole time and he hasn't complained once."

Name hated them all right now, with a passion unlike before. Enough said.

"That's because he can't talk, moron." Challenged Enemy.

'Okay,' thought Name, 'maybe he didn't hate Enemy as much now.'

"Oh, would you look at that!" swooned The Commander sarcastically. "I've got some shit on my boot. Think I'll just kick it off!"

"Alright! Fine, I'm going! I'm going!" Enemy began climbing once more, making his way above The Commander.

"I must say, I'm enjoying this you guys." Encouraged Parts ecstatically. "You guys are great to work with."

"Yeah, whatever." Said Phill.

"I've definitely had fun under you, Phill. Has anyone told you that you look really nice from this angle?"

"Uhh...suddenly, I have the urge to let us all fall down and die."

"That would be nice." Droned Snot.

"What are you complaining about, Snot?" questioned Enemy, climbing onto Snot's shoulders. 'You're second from the top; you only have to hold onto me."

"It's a hobby." Admitted Snot.

"Man, it's getting sweaty inside my armour right now. I've got half a mind to take it all off right now." Said Parts.

"Enemy, hurry the goddamn hell up!" shouted Phill.

"My balls are just itching for a scratch."

"Why was I stationed here?" squeaked Phill.

Enemy had reached the top. He peered over the top of the canyon at the horizon beyond. He stared in awe, taking it all in.

"Enemy, report." Said The Commander. "What do you see?"

"I see..." he began, but was unable to finish. He tried again; "I see...more canyons."

"Did he just say more canyons?" asked Phill. "As in 'box canyons'?"

"Yeah. Hundreds."

"That's it." said Snot. "I'm jumping now."

"Belay that. There must be some way out of here." Thought The Commander.

"Unless your plan involves us asking everyone else in those canyons to build an even bigger totem pole that reaches back to Earth, I wouldn't get so confident." Said Enemy. "Besides, we're all safe here. I say we just tell Command that the area is secured and we require extraction, get someone else to take over. Someone who can deal with tediousness. Now get me the hell down from here."

Slowly but surely, the totem pole shrank back down to just Name. The soldiers considered their position and finally agreed that Enemy's suggestion was right.

"We've considered our position and agree that my suggestion was right." Said The Commander.

"Wait, your suggestion?" queried Enemy.

"I will call Command for a swap 'n' drop and let someone else take over this puppy. Hopefully we'll be gone by the end of the week, so I want all seven of us to be packed by day four. I know that will be harder for some."

"I need help taking apart my grand piano." Said Parts.

"Okay, first of all it was Enemy's idea." Said Phill. "Second of all, there are only six of us here."

"By my count, standing right here, there are seven." Said The Commander.

"No, there are six. Look, I'll count us right here. I'm one, you're two, three, four, five, six, seven. Wait...what?"

Everyone jumped back when they noticed the soldier in the brown armour standing beside Enemy. Especially Enemy. "Oh shit! Damn man, I just crapped bricks. What's your problem?"

"Wow, that replacement got here fast. I didn't even call Command." Admired The Commander.

"Sir, I don't think that this guy is from Command." Said Phill, slightly worried.

"Why not?"

"For that reason you just said."

"What reason?"

"You didn't call Command."

"Why didn't I call Command?"

"Because you didn't have enough time."

"When did the end of time happen?"

"It-What?"

Enemy edged closer to the new arrival tentatively, hand reaching out half to shake hands, half to defend himself should the need arise. "Hey guy...or girl. What's your name...or your star sign? How did you get here so fast? What are you here for?"

The Spartan turned from figure to figure, surveying them, profiling them before settling its attention on Name. For a moment, the two stared silently at each other.

Name found this attribute familiar. He himself had practised this strategy in basic, and later in his covert operation years. This was the kind of action someone would take when deciding who the alpha fighter of the group was and take them out. Even as he thought this, the Spartan drew its pistol, kicking Name off the edge of the cliff, and shot him several times as he plummeted down to the ground.

"Name!" shouted Phill, shocked. The Spartan turned to fire upon Phill, but was jumped upon by The Commander who held him tight around the neck.

"Get your arses out of here! Run!" he shouted, struggling to keep hold as the Spartan swung him from side to side. Phill, Enemy, Snot and Parts ran for their lives. Well, Snot walked. They reached the bottom of the cliff, deciding to make a runner to blue base, but Enemy went back to check on Name.

"What? Are you crazy?" shouted Phill. "The Commander's not gonna keep him occupied for long!"

"Just get these two to safety!" Enemy shouted back. "I'll get there ASAP!" He ran as fast as he could, keeping an eye on the struggle atop the cliff. The Commander still had a tight hold around the Spartan's neck. From this distance it seemed almost like a rodeo of a strange and demented kind.

The Commander really, really wanted to throw up. He almost felt joy when the Spartan flipped him over his head and onto the ground, ending their wrestling match. This was it, the end, but he wouldn't run. He wouldn't complain. The Spartan raised his gun eye-level at The Commander. "Is that all you got?" he asked, but the Spartan only cocked his head to the side in response. "Who are you?" he asked. This time, the only response received was the small calibre bullet that entered his skull.

Enemy sat back, mid-shock. Name was dead. He just couldn't believe it; all the time they'd spent together, all the things they'd been through and to have it all end like this. Oh well, shame really. Can't be helped. That's when Enemy heard the single gunshot from the cliff and in that moment he knew that The Commander was also dead. If he didn't want to end up like them, he'd better start running...which he did immediately, cursing one word continuously as he did.

Phill, Snot and Parts arrived at Blue base, huffing and tired. "Damn." complained Phill, out of breath. "I...haven't run...three hundred...feet...in years."

"Yeah." Agreed Snot. "That's...a lot for...someone...to run."

"Next supply drop," said Parts, "I'm requisitioning us all some short shorts. Breezy ones too."

"Hey! Guys! Wait up for me!" came Enemy's voice from across the canyon. Phill, Snot and Parts looked up to see the small figure running over the hills towards them. All of a sudden, someone began shooting at him, the sniper rounds just barely scraping his armour as he weaved and ducked to avoid them.

"Oh my God!" shouted Parts. "Who would want to kill Enemy?"

"That's just like playing twenty questions...only with seven billion possibilities." Said Phill. "Hurry up and keep your head down!"

Enemy had reached the last hill when Phill shouted out to him. He didn't hear what he'd said, so Enemy stuck his head up and asked; "What?" This is how he was killed by a shot to the chest. "Why?" he shouted. "Why didn't you tell me to keep my head down?"

"Just die you dumb bastard!" shouted Phill back to him. Suddenly, the sniper began shooting at the entrance where Phill, Snot and Parts are standing. "Son of a bitch! Get inside!" He turned around and noticed the absence of Parts and Snot. He scurried into the base where he found them standing and chatting casually. "Why did you guys leave me out there?"

"Well, the whole going inside thing when there's a sniper about was a given." Said Snot. "I mean, who stands outside in the open and waits for a sniper to shoot them?"

"Ooh! I love games!" jumped Parts. "Uh...Is it you?" he pointed at Snot.

"Yeah." Droned Snot, almost happily. "Yeah, you're right."

"Look," began Phill, "you guys just stay calm-"

"We're not even panicking."

"-and I'll radio Command. I am after all the ranking officer n...Hmm...Excuse me." Phill left the room. Snot and Parts could hear him as he walked round the back and up the ramp onto the roof. "Uh, hey! Mister Brown-Shooting Guy?" BANG! "Okay, thanks for letting me know I have your attention. Just wanted to say that I thank you for killing our Sergeant. He was a jackass and we're all better off without him. I don't have a fruit basket or assorted soaps on me or anything, but if we ever get out of this canyon I can give you cash. Once again; thank you...oh, and also, can you please not kill us?" BANG! "Yeah, I knew it was kinda a lot to ask. Okay, well, I'll be go-" BANG! BANG! BANG! Phill jumped back into the base through the hole, scared as all hell as the bullets kept hitting the base loudly. He turned to Parts and Snot. "Umm...he says 'no problem'."

"Right, well as far as I can figure;" began Phill many hours later, "we don't have long before Browncoat out there gets tired of waiting and decides to take on us three specially trained soldiers head-on...which will ultimately leave us dead. We don't stand a chance."

"I enjoy these pep talks." Sighed Parts. "I will miss them when I am dead."

"That makes one of us." Spat Snot. "Look, I'm all for wallowing here in our last moments wondering 'what life would be like if my girlfriend hadn't had a dick-"

"Aren't we all." Muttered Phill.

"I'm not." Said Parts. "It was one of her redeeming qualities. That and her sticky-out belly button and sticky-out Adam's apple."

"-_**but**_," shouted Snot. "I really don't see why you guys should get killed along with me. We should at least try to save you."

"Wow, all this time and I thought you were just a mass emo-er." Said Phill, not very confidently.

"Hey, I have a heart...and that's not a correct term."

"Sorry."

"Is there really nothing that we have to defend ourselves?"

"There's always our guns...but hey, I mean when have they ever actually done any damage? To others I mean."

Parts began hopping from foot to foot, hand raised high in the air. "Ooh! Ooh! I have the answer! I have the answer!"

"What is the answer, Parts?"

"...Sorry, what was the question again?"

Phill sighed, "Can you think of anything we can use to defend ourselves?"

"And what was my answer gonna be?"

"I-I don't know! You just started hopping and waving your hand in the air!"

"Ah, that must mean I had a really good answer. I'm sure it was nice."

"Is it just me," began Phill, "or does shit like this happen all the time?"

"It's all part of life." Responded Snot.

"Right now, I see life as the guitar with five strings. You can't afford to buy the sixth, even though you can live without it, but it just doesn't sound good at all."

"I see life like a guy sitting at his computer watches youtube videos that run for about three minutes every week in a series of linked stories."

"Yeah...or reads an online story about kinda the same thing except it's over...what? Nine or ten pages for every chapter."

"You guys realise you're being uncannily detailed in your descriptions, right?" asked Parts. "I can't even get a word in edgewise about that thing we can use as a weapon that I found in the caves."

"What?" shouted Phill. "Tell me about it!"

"I was walking through the caves one day..."

"Uh-huh."

"...when I saw this thing in there..."

"Uh-huh."

"...and it looks like it can be used as a weapon."

"You're telling me exactly what you said before, just in a more suck-ier way."

"That's all I know about it. I haven't had time to analyse it, what with all the killing. Here, you can take a look." He said, taking out the little green medical scanner. Phill took it, looking it over. His face dropped so suddenly that you could almost see it through his helmet.

"This is a-Wait. You already have two weapons. Where the hell were you keeping this one?"

"I always keep a spare weapon wedged between my cheeks for emergence situations; like going to the shower in prison. But not _**always**_." He concluded with a grin. Phill stared for a moment, death holding the gun.

"You can hold this, Snot." He said handing the scanner to Snot.

"Yippee." Droned Snot as usual.

"As I was saying before I regretted asking the question," began Phill, "this isn't a weapon; it's a medical scanner."

"We can scan his armour for any weaknesses and exploit them." Said Snot.

"I have a better idea." Interrupted Phill. "We can overload the scanner so that it either shoots out a beam of energy and disables Brownout when he attacks or explodes, taking him out in the explosion."

"Won't that be like a Dead Man's Switch? One of us will have to be holding that thing when it goes off." Thought Snot.

"Do you want to do it?" asked Phill.

"No, I never liked the colour green. It sickens me. It's the last thing I want killing me."

"Then why did you join Green army?"

"Listen, you tell me why and I'll let you kill me yourself."

"Well, I don't wanna die." Said Phill. They both turned to Parts who was looking eagerly up at them.

"I'll do it. Besides, then I can be like Freddie Mercury and whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa _**explode**_! I'm burnin' through the sky! Two hundred degrees, that's why they call me Mister Fahrenheit-"

"Okay, stop it." said Phill.

"Don't stop me! Don't stop me! Hey, hey!"

"Shut up-"

"Don't stop me! Don't stop me! Ooh, ooh, ooh!" Parts was stopped when a grenade dropped down from above between the trio. "Hey look, a spider." Squeaked Parts.

"Get to cover!" shouted Phill, pushing Parts back and finding cover with Snot. BANG!

The Brown Spartan walked around the room, scanning the smoke. There were no soldiers in sight, none alive at least. They must've all been killed in the explosion.

"Hey Brown-Eyed Bitch." Came a voice behind him, followed by the cock of a rifle. "You didn't think we'd go to pieces like that, did ya? Turn around." The Spartan complied, facing the two soldiers who both had their rifles trained at his head.

"Nice insult." Complimented Snot. "And I liked that 'gone to pieces' thing you said after."

"I've been writing stuff down like that in case we get into these situations." Admitted Phill. "It's how I've kept my sanity these past few months." They both returned to their captive. "Who are you and why are you trying to kill us?"

"_**I think you already know the answer to that question.**_" Said the Spartan.

"Uh, no. That's kinda why we're asking it. How else will we find things out about you? For example, how do we know if you're a man? You could be some kind of woman using a voice filter...or some kind of part woman, part shark."

"_**I'm a man, one that you shouldn't have pissed off.**_"

Look, you must have us mistaken for some other Green soldiers." Said Snot. "We've never left this canyon yet and I don't think we've ever met a guy in Brown before."

"_**You won't ever again, I'll make sure of that.**_"

"Really?" mocked Phill. "And how the hell are you gonna do that at gunpoint?" Suddenly, both Phill's gun and Snot's gun disappeared. "What the hell?"

"How did he do that?" asked Snot. "They just vanished."

"Great, our first prisoner and he turns out to be Harry Fucking Houdini." Phill and Snot raised their hands when they noticed the Spartan had his pistol trained on both of them. "Don't worry, Snot. He can't take us both out at the same time."

"Really?"

"No. He'll probably do it one after the other."

"...Gee, that's a confidence builder."

"What do you want from me? We're gonna die, I'm just being a realist."

"You're being a dickhead is what you're being."

"Shut up and get shot." The Spartan readied himself for the execution. "Well, this is it buddy. I hope you get shot last-"

"Thanks."

"-that way I don't have to deal with the horror if watching you die first."

"Well, I won't have to deal with that either."

"Son of a bitch."

"_**Both of you, shut up! You're so goddamn annoying!**_"

"You ain't seen nothing yet!" shouted Parts from behind the Spartan who turned to face the newcomer. "Say hello to my little green friend!"

"He he, sounds like a diseased penis." Chuckled Phill.

"You'd know all about that, wouldn't you?" burned Snot.

The Spartan took his aim, but Parts was too quick; pulling the trigger sending out a small green ball at the pistol and knocking it out of his hands. Parts looked around. "I did it." he mumbled, then more confidently; "I did it!" Then he was punched across the room. "I don't understand!" he moaned. "I did it!"

"Hold the trigger in longer next time!" ordered Phill. The Spartan rounded on the two remaining threats in the room. "Uh-oh. Ready for an arse-whipping, Snot?"

"Yes and no. Who can really prepare for something like thi-" that was when he was punched in the face.

"Well, you're doing good so far." Admitted Phill. He tried for a punch which landed right in the Spartan's face. "Yeah! Headshot!" Then Phill was punched. "Uncle! Uncle!" Whereupon he was grabbed by the belt. "Uncool man! Not cool!" And smashed face-first into the wall. "Not-" Smash! "-cool!" Smash! "Help!" Smash! "If I weren't wearing a helmet, I would be so mad right now!" Smash! Then the smashing stopped, and Phill was left in the wall. Snot however had jumped onto the Spartan.

"How do you like me now? How do you like me now? Seriously though, do you like me?" The Spartan shook Snot off, preparing to stamp on his face. Luckily, Phill had pulled himself from the wall and kicked the Spartan in the back, sending him forwards into the wall. Phill helped Snot off the floor.

"We'll take him together. Just try not to get killed."

"All right, but no promises." Snot agreed, then they both faced the Spartan who was waiting for them.

Parts shook off the dizziness and watched as Phill and Snot put up what little a fight they could. It seemed to go well in the first minute; both tag teamed to take down the Spartan, but by the next minute, the Spartan had grown used to this kind of attack pattern and was close to taking them both out. Parts knew he had to do something now, or else his team mates would end up dead.

"Phill!" shouted Snot from under the Spartan's foot. "I don't think can keep up with the not getting killed for much longer!"

"Yeah." Choked Phill in a stranglehold. "I don't think so either."

The Spartan pushed down harder on Snot's helmet, ready to squash it like a tomato. He choked Phill harder, swearing he could see the armour turning blue. Both were about to die when-

"Uh, guys." Said the small tentative voice. All three looked up to see Parts holding the scanner which was glowing brightly and shaking violently. "How long am I supposed to hold down this trigger?"

"Parts! Let it go!" choked Phill. "Let it go right now!" The Spartan turned to Parts, stunning him with a look of death. Parts couldn't hear the orders, he couldn't even remember what he was doing. He was frozen stiff. The Spartan dropped the exhausted Phill and released Snot from his foothold and rounded on the shaking private.

"Parts! Run!" shouted Snot.

"You guys get out of here!" shouted Parts. "Go, get out!" The Spartan held Parts up by the chest plate, forcing him back into the wall and trying to grab at the scanner which Parts kept just out of reach. "Run! I can take him against a wall!"

"Seriously? Come on, let's go." Phill grabbed Snot and they both ran from the base. Neither of them looked back as the explosion killed Parts and destroyed the base. They just sat in stunned silence for a moment as the rubble burned. "Seriously?" asked Phill. "Couldn't have just left that last double entendre alone."

"Consistent to the end." Admired Snot.

Phill looked past Snot to the moving remains of Enemy. Well, the half dead remains of Enemy. "Snot, you stay here and out of sight. I'm gonna go check on Enemy."

"Why do I have to stay behind cover?"

"Because in these kinds of movies, the bad guy isn't really dead."

"Great, we're going by movie logic."

"Just stay down. I'll be right back. Oh, damn it!"

"What?"

"I just said the taboo line."

"What's the taboo line?"

"It's the line that people who are about to die say when they're about to die."

"I'll be right back. There, I said it. I'm gonna die. Now hurry up and check on Enemy you superstitious bastard."

Phill leaned down next to Enemy, who was fading into unconsciousness. "Hey buddy. Wake up. Enemy!"

"What? I'm awake. Phill?" asked Enemy in a slur, obviously tired. "He shot me. Am I gonna die?"

"No, I am."

"How can you be sure?"

"I said the taboo line."

"Oh. Why don't you just try to reverse it?"

"You can reverse it?"

"Yeah, I do it all the time. That's probably why I'm not dead. Come on, help me get some medical attention."

"Wait, how do I undo it?"

"I'll explain later. Oh no!"

"What?"

"That's another taboo line."

"Just tell me how to reverse the taboo and we'll both do it together."

"Yuck!"

"Hey, Parts was the guy with the double entendres and he's dead! And besides, this is serious business."  
>"Yeah, okay."<p>

"Just tell me."

"Fine. What you do is-" and then Enemy was shot, rolling back down the hill. "You said you'd die first! You lied to me you son of a bitch!" Enemy promptly died.

"No! I needed the taboo reversal!" shouted Phill but he too was shot, the bullet impacting his shoulder. Phill fell to the ground, bleeding out. He began crawling towards Red base when he noticed the shadow on the ground next to him. Phill rolled over coming face to face with the Spartan and his pistol. "Why? What did we ever do to deserve this? Wait, don't answer that question. Let me think of a better one. Umm...nope, can't think of one. Just shoot me, please."

"_**Kill me once, shame on you.**_"

"What?"

"_**Buddy.**_"

"...Yeah?"

"_**Tell your friends...you just got Shitfaced.**_"

Snot watched as the Spartan walked across the canyon towards him, having only just shot Phill in the face. He didn't try to run as the figure approached him, neither did he cry. Snot had been waiting for this moment a very long time and he was going to accept it with the grace and dignity he deserved.

The Spartan stood facing the last of the Green soldiers with an air of occasion. His mission was almost complete, a mission he himself had created and executed for his own ends. This had been so easy, but he had enjoyed every minute of it. Not as much enjoyment, however, as he was having right now. He aimed his pistol at Snot, just taking in the feeling of victory.

"What are you waiting for?" asked Snot. "You killed my friends and now you're here to kill me. Don't let me get in the way of that. Unless you'll kill me if I do, in which case; I'm in your way, kill me." The Spartan paused again, not moving. "Just hurry up and shoot me! You armour looks like shit. Seriously, it looks like you spray painted it with liquid shit and then took a nosedive down a septic tank. Okay, you're angry, kill me." The Spartan squeezed the trigger slightly. Snot closed his eyes, a tear of joy streaming down his cheek. Freedom...

BANG!

"What? That's it? What the fuck kind of death is that? Hey, I'm talking to you!" he yelled after the Spartan who was walking towards the one remaining base in Blood Gulch. "I'm not even dead! You just shot the ground! Come back and do it right; one between the eyes is all I ask! Don't leave me!" Snot collapsed to the ground, more tears streaming down his cheeks. "I wanna die..."

THE END

**Yep, that's it. That's the end. Catch another ending at Gullibles Weekly.**

**Just kidding, as you can probably tell. The question still stands; how will the story continue on without five of the six main characters? Find out in the next chapter with even more action, deaths, mayhem, madness and furry animals.**

**A special shout out to Sitar Hero and don't go away. The next chapter **_**'In Your Face'**_ **isn't too far away. Thanks for reading and don't forget to review!**


	2. In Your Face

Red vs. Blue...vs. Green

Story Three: Cheat Code

Chapter Two: In Your Face

**Chapter Two is in many ways the beginning, so in a way, I was right to have Chapter One as the end. Here is where the questions are raised amongst the main characters, a horrible truth is revealed and the identity of the mysterious Brown Spartan will be discovered. Please enjoy!**

* * *

><p>"Ungh. Oh, man. What in the name of Colonel Sanders happened? Am I dead? I remember getting shot in the face. Am I alive? Does that mean I have to live with this goddamn hole in my head for the rest of my life? Somebody should tell that Brown bastard that this is no way to treat a commanding officer, especially when four fifths of 'commanding are in your name and rank! I must be dead though, I got shot in the face. If I wake up to see Name, then I'm in heaven. If I wake up to see Name and he still can't speak then I'll know it's hell...and if I wake up to see Parts, then I'll know it's a special kind of hell. Namely the kind for people who use their phones during movies, or cue behind you at the urinal when there are three empty ones next to ya. I'm never going back to Space McDonalds again."<p>

"With no due respect sir, shut the hell up." Came another voice from inside the dark room. "I was shot in the head too, and it's giving me one helluva migraine."

"I know that voice."

"Of course you do, we serve together in the same squad."

"Uh..."

"It's me, Phill!"

"I don't know a Phill. I know a Peter Hill though, are you two related?"

"God, the one time he gets my fucking name right and it's after he's dead."

"Would both of you shut the front door?" shouted Enemy. "You guys got the quick and painless! I got the two sniper shots to the chest!"

"Hey, being shot in the face is a pretty traumatic experience!" argued Phill.

"Yeah, cos bleeding out for hours on end without any sign of help is a walk in the park, right?"

"Yay! We're all alive again!" exclaimed Parts. "You're alive Commander, I missed you."

"You mean that heartless Brown had the tenacity to stick a gun to this innocent and harmless man's head and kill him?" shot The Commander. "Well done."

"Oh no, he didn't shoot me sir."

"Huh?"

"I shot him with my impotency ray!"

"Someone wanna explain this to me?"

"Then he got a little aroused when I did, so he knocked me up a couple of times."

"Pardon me?"

"But when he saw me preparing my little thing again-"

"Say again?"

"-he had me up against the wall-"

"What the hell?"

"-and he made me explode. And that's how I died. I can't believe it, that's the first time it's happened during."

The Commander paused, trying to decipher the truth from the entendre. "Are you sure this was the same fight? And I say 'fight' in its broadest possible sense."

"Trust us, we're about as much in the dark as you." Said Phill. "Snot and I were the only ones alive by that point...well, unharmed."

"How many of us survived?"

"Judging by the fact that five of us are here, nice to see you Name, by the way," began Enemy, "only one of us made it out alive."

"And who would that-Oh. Really? Snot?" The Commander whistled. "Talk about irony."

"I'm not sure who I feel more sorry for; us or him." Said Phill.

"I feel sorry for the Brown guy." Said Enemy. "I mean, who knows how Snot got him...if he's dead yet."

"Good point." Nodded The Commander. "Wherever it is, it can't be worse than here though. One thing's for certain boys," established The Commander, surveying the dark stone room, "we're not in Blood Gulch anymore."

"Guess again." Droned a familiar voice from behind The Commander.

"I don't wanna guess again." Snapped The Commander. "I know we're not in Blood Gulch because we were shot."

"Yeah...that was fun."

"Wait, is that Snot standing behind me?"

"Why don't you just ask me if I'm standing behind you?" asked Snot.

"Because then that would defeat the whole purpose of asking if it was you. Then I would know it was you because I'd have to turn around and ask you and see that it was you. Instead, I can get an unbiased second and or third opinion from my squad who are facing your direction and can tell me if it is really you or not so that way I don't have to waste time by turning around and asking if you're you if you're not. Phill, report: is Snot standing behind me?"

"Uhh...yeah." reported Phill, still trying to catch up to The Commander's logic.

"Splendid!" The Commander said cheerfully, turning to face Snot. "Snot, me boy, how did you get snuffed? Falling piano? Pie to the face? Pie to the groin?"

"No." Droned Snot.

"Piano to the groin?"

"No, I didn't die."

"Oh, I'm sorry." Comforted Parts. "How come?"

Snot sniffed (yeah, that was kinda weird writing those two words as well as reading them), taking a teary breath; "He didn't kill me."

"That bastard." Cursed Enemy through gritted teeth. "First he makes us die, which we all don't want and then he tortures poor Snot by not killing him. Now I'm really pissed."

"Uh, has anyone asked themselves how we're still alive after being killed?" asked Phill.

"Maybe we weren't killed but fell into a linked coma where we all experience the same thing." Suggested The Commander. "Snot here is part of our subconscious and Blood Gulch is the prison in which the coma uses to keep us asleep."

"How do we test your theory?"

"We'll know if I'm right if one of us hurts themselves. If you hurt yourself in the coma, you shouldn't feel it. It's pure Life On Mars science. Great show."

"Okay then, who's up for-" Phill began asking when he was punched in the face by The Commander. "Ow! Son of a bitch, bastard, mother fucker! You broke my nose!"

"You feel that?"

"Nah, I do this all the time when I get punched in the face. It's a reflex action. Didn't you read my medical records?"

"Well, if that's the case-"

"Of course I felt the fucking punch! It hurt like hell and I'm bleeding on my visor, longing for the day when I had a fucking bullet in my fucking head! A day when I wasn't surrounded by complete douche bags and wearing armour that makes living in an anthill sound like owning a penthouse apartment! Did I feel your punch? You're goddamn right I did! I hate you all and I'm gonna sit in my corner for a moment until the bleeding stops." Said Phill, and he did so.

"Well, I'm not entirely sure, but I don't think my coma idea is correct."

"Surprises all around." Commented Enemy.

"In which case, I push for the idea of divine intervention; God couldn't bear to see us go."

"Or else he couldn't bear to have us join him in heaven, and having us in hell would be too much torture for the devil."

"I like to think that we were saved by Ghostbusters. I love their movies." Said Parts.

"I like to think he'll get smiting right away." Said Snot.

Name liked to think that God had saved him, but then he realised that it was probably the devil when he saw the others had survived as well.

"Whatever the case," said Phill, rejoining the conversation, "I think we'll get some more information if we confront our new visitor in person."

"I agree." Agreed The Commander, obviously. "I think a little information would be nice before we exact our revenge upon our quarry."

* * *

><p>"Sir," began Phill as he caught up to The Commander as they made their way towards Red base, "was punching me back there really necessary?"<p>

"Do you really want me to answer that question?"

"...I take back the query."

"We all have to be prepared for an attack now; whatever happened to us might not ever happen again so if we die then we could really be dead for sure. Time to pick up the pace and use the skills we learned in training."

"Yeah, so we should start scrubbing his toilet with our toothbrushes and wipe his boots with our butt cheeks." Scoffed Enemy. "I don't know about you guys, but I kinda figured out why Earth was losing against the Covenant as soon as I saw my blind Captain with three fingers and a hook for hands. Don't get me started on the peg leg."

"I think we're losing because of uniforms." Opinionated Parts. "This armour just doesn't cut it; we're all green and that makes us more likely to shoot ourselves in heavily foliated areas. I think a nice change in colour wouldn't go amiss; a light-ish red."

"What? Pink?"

"No, Nobbie's Nuts," insulted The Commander, "he said 'light red'. You need to open your ears up more."

"_Yo, Green dudes. Can you read me, Green dudes?"_

"I don't need to read you, Enemy; I can see you standing in my review visor! Use the goddamn equipment once in a while."

"Hey, I said nothing." Defended Enemy.

"Then don't say nothing. Don't say anything at all. You say nothing then you're saying something. It's a word, ain't it?"

"I didn't say anything!"

"_Hey, Commander dude. What's up dude? You dudin' my dudilin', ya dude?"_

"I don't have time to argue, Enemy, I'm talking to Vic." The Commander turned his attention from the cursing Enemy to Vic. "Vic, where you dude-I mean, where you been?"

"_Sorry man, been outta first contact with ya, having a little close encounter of the winked-y kind, if you know what I'm sayin'?"_

"Unfortunately, I do. It's good to have you back in range; we've got a little bit of a situation here. Some Brown guy just broke into our canyon, no idea who he is. Could he be trying to take our strategic position here?"

"_Ha ha! Nice one, dude. Nah, this guy is bad news, like girlfriend penis. He's been causing a bit of trouble; turning soldiers against us, converting them with some kind of hocus pokus talk about stuff that isn't true. If he starts telling you stuff about a false reality and stuff like that-Has he?"_

"Nope. Hasn't really said anything."

"_Oh...well...yeah, he's lying. Don't listen, it's all bullshit. Well, gotta go now, try to take him out before lunch-"_

"Wait! How's about a little support Command? I mean an aerial bomb on Red base or something?"

"_Can't do."_

"A nuclear drop?"

"_Nope."_

"Reinforcements?"

"_None left."_

"Poisoned rations?"

"_Used the last container yesterday."_

"How's about some rations for us?"

"_Hey, we've already spread our supplies thin! We don't even have any condoms left on Earth. Had to get a vasectomy."  
><em>"Damn."

"_Yeah, tell me about it; the damn thing didn't work. Still don't know what the hell they cut. Anyway, gotta am-scray. T.T.Y.L. dudes."_

The Commander paused, in deep thought. Everyone could sense it. "Sir," asked Parts timidly, "what's wrong?"

"I'm just at a crossroads in my life. I'm trying to find the answer but I just can't understand it all."

"I try not to think about the question of life when trying to understand it. Some of the time, I try yoga and that helps me to relax-"

"No!" interrupted The Commander. "I mean, what the hell does T.T.Y.L. stand for?"

"I.D.K."

"And what does that stand for?"

"I-"

"Dude," interrupted Phill, "do _**not**_ get him started."

"Psst!" hissed Enemy as they approached Red base. "Why don't we tell him it stands for 'I'm Donkey Kong'?"

"Nah. What about telling him I.B.M.?" asked Phill.

"What's that?"

"I'm Bat Man."

"You gotta do it with the voice."

"No! No."

"Hang on, isn't Batman one word?"

"No man, it's two. Bat. Man."

"I could swear it was one. It's in all the titles and comics and stuff."

"Fine, but we can't say I.B. That's not enough."

"How's about I.T.D.K.? I'm The Dark Knight?"

"Words like 'the' and 'a' and stuff don't go into abbreviations. That would mean its I.D.K., but that would be too confusing. We might as well call it I.T.W.G.D.; I'm The World's Greatest Detective."

"Everything's gotta be grammatically correct with you, doesn't it?"

"It's all I have left."

"...War is hell."

"Agreed."

"Yoo hoo! Brown shit!" called The Commander politely. "It's Green team here to wipe the floor with your face and paint the walls with your blood. Maybe hollow out your head and make a lamp out of it."

"That's not a nice way to talk to the neighbours, sir." Said Parts.

"Shut up, Parts." Insisted Snot. "If The Commander pisses off the Brown guy, he might come out here and actually kill us."

"And you're excited about this? Why? How come I am so surprised about this?"

"_**Yeah, what do you pissheads want?**_" came the dark and sinister voice atop the Red base roof. The Brown Spartan emerged from behind the teleporter, armour blazing in the light, unafraid.

"I seem to recall you killing us." Began The Commander. "Now, unless I'm mistaken, the dead usually stay dead and since we're not dead, two things have either happened; one: we're zombies and have been brought back to do your bidding or two: you're just damn awful at killing people. In either case, you suck at your job."

"_**I'm sorry,**_" sympathised the Spartan, "_**would you like me to finish you off?**_" Everyone except for The Commander jumped back, muddling their excuses as to why they can't die today due to feeling ill, having to play tennis or have a date with a cream cake.

Snot actually took an eager step forward; "Yes please." before being pulled back by The Commander.

The Spartan laughed; "_**You are all pathetic! I can't believe I wasted my valuable time killing you lot!**_"

"My mother always told me never to take abuse from a man I know not the name of." Said The Commander rather surprisingly profoundly. "So why don't you tell us your name and turn off your voice filter...and then we can start _**talking dirty**_."

"_**A fair deal. Very well.**_" The Spartan shifted his head sharply to one side, clicking off his voice filter instrument inside the helmet. He straightened up again proudly before announcing in a still very much intimidating voice; "My name is...Five, H, One, T, F, Four, C, Three."

The Greens thought for a moment, looking at each other, then away from each other. "ShitFace?" asked Snot curiously. The Spartan nodded. "It's a bit of a crap name, isn't it?" The squad paused tensely...began laughing, falling to the ground and holding their stomachs. ShitFace was not pleased.

"Stop it! Stop it, all of you! I'll kill you all!"

"Hey Enemy!" called The Commander over his own fits of laughter. "What's-what's that thing that people say when they find something funny?"

Enemy had even more difficulty talking; "That's-Ha ha! It's L.O.L.-He he! Sir! Ha ha!"

"Ain't that lots of love?"

"Nah-ha ha! That's laughing out loud!"

"Okay then! Ha ha! I'm laughing out loud! Now if only there were one for rolling on the floor."

"All of you get the fuck off the ground and stop laughing at my name!" screamed ShitFace over his inbuilt megaphone.

"All right everyone, on your feet, on your feet. We've had our fun." Agreed The Commander and everyone stood up. "Right, now we know your name, mind telling us how come it is that we're not a heap of rotting corpses that you should be t-bagging in victory right now?"

"T-bagging?" asked ShitFace quizzically.

"It's a thing some guys do; they kneel down over dead bodies and drop their balls on them. Horrible stuff, hope that never becomes a fad."

"Sounds interesting. I'll have to blog about this. Why you're not dead, you ask? Well, I know a code or two and I set the respawn time."

"What's a 'respawn'?" asked Phill.

"It means you don't die; you just come back to life just like I did."

"But we didn't kill you. Heck, we didn't even lay a hand on you." Said Enemy.

"I did!" piped up Parts happily. "Both hands."

"For God's sake, this isn't a single's club Parts."

"Oh, I don't expect to be paid in singles here."

"What?"

"You did so!" shouted ShitFace. "You killed me for no reason, so now I will repay you the favour..._**over**_ and _**over**_ again until you can't take it any longer...and then I'll just kill you some more. None of you can die." An awkward silence fell on Blood Gulch, before...

"Noooooooooo!" screamed Snot, falling to his knees. "Why?"

"Wait, does this mean I can't kill anyone?" asked The Commander.

"No." Confirmed ShitFace.

"Not you?"

"No."

"Not me?"

"No."

"Not Enemy?"

"No...? Wait, what?"

"Son...you're a dick. You and Dick like playing with each other in the back of the theatre and Dick makes the floor sticky. Maybe you'll meet Richard 'Big Dicky, Tricky Dickie' Nixon and Suck on their way to see Sucker Punch at the movies with my squad's nickname suggestions and Suck will perform his namesake with Dick and the rest of ya...because you're a dick."

"Hey! Arsehole! Don't you ever try to kill me, or talk about it in front of me!" Complained Enemy.

"What are you complaining about?" questioned The Commander. "We outnumber the man six to one. Don't blame me trying to even the odds for him."

"Yeah, I guess you're right. Wait, what?"

"Ha ha ha! You think that I can't defeat you again?" scoffed ShitFace. "I did it before!"

"Yeah, you did, but only because you had the element of surprise...and the arse end of our soldiers to deal with." Explained The Commander. "This time will be different; we'll be ready for ya."

"Oh no, I'm trapped all alone in this box canyon without anyone to protect or help me! Whatever shall I do?" mocked ShitFace egotistically.

"That's exactly my point." Said The Commander. He turned to his squad. "You know, this is exactly the moment in the story where I expect a whole bunch of strange people to walk out to even the sides with absolutely no explanation as to how they got here."

"Maybe I'll just get my friends to help me out." Thought ShitFace, clicking his fingers. Five other Brown figures emerged from around the base, arms folded and badass

"I hate it when I'm right."

"Looks like the shit is about to hit the fan!" laughed ShitFace. "Pun intended."

"Is there going to be an explanation as to how your friends got here?"

"No."

"Damn it!"

"I suppose you'll all want somewhere to prepare yourselves for another death, so why don't you take Blue base?" suggested ShitFace.

"Duh, because you destroyed it." said Phill.

"Yeah, that's kinda what happens when a huge explosion takes place inside a building...or anything for that matter." Explained Enemy.

"You just came back to life," began ShitFace walking back into the base. "anything is possible. Why don't you go and see for yourselves...?"

* * *

><p>BANG! BANG!...BANG!...BANG! "Hits?" asked The Commander loudly.<p>

"Well, that depends." Said Enemy. "Is four hits a lot?"

"Yeah!"

"Well then, I got that...minus four."

"Ugh, keep practising. I want everyone to have a turn at the sniper rifle before we move on. Who else needs a practise?"

"Just Parts and Snot left, but I think we'll have Snot go last. I mean, Parts need someone to shoot at."

"Why did everyone stop shooting at me?" asked Snot from atop the nearest hill.

"I ran out of bullets!" answered Enemy.

"Then hurry the fuck up and put some more in! I don't wanna die of old age waiting here!"

"Just keep talking like that Snot, and I'll reconsider shooting ya!"

"Oh, I'm sorry! Now come on, keep shooting!"

The Greens had returned to Blue base to find it completely intact; everything was in place, the electricity was working and the armoury was restocked. Immediately, they had decided that it was time for a little weapons training and had jumped at the chance to begin. Especially Snot who had been surprisingly quick to volunteer for the position of 'target'. Or maybe he suggested the idea, it wasn't important. They had their base back, using the word 'their' in the broadest possible sense.

"Phill, report." Ordered The Commander as the Corporal mounted the ramp and saluted.

"I double checked the base, everything is in check and repaired. The only things that weren't repaired were the tank and the Warthog."

"We'll need Parts to get to work on those after his sniper practice."

"Actually sir, he's already started repair work on the vehicles."

"How's it coming along?"

"He finished repairing, refuelling and reloading the Warthog but we've decided not to turn that on until he figures out how to erase its self-consciousness unit and Parts is having...a _**little**_ trouble with Sheila."

"What's a little?"

"He's got the cannon back on."

"That doesn't sound too bad."

"It's just this little bit of the tank is on fire. It's on the rear behind the turret and Parts can't figure out how to stop it. He's working on that now."

"Tell him to stop and get some practice shooting Snot."

"Hey Parts!" called Phill. "Get up here! It's your turn with the scope!"

"Okay!" shouted back Parts. "But give me one more second! I think I've almost put that fire out! Yes! Yes! I put it out! It's all fine n-" **BANG!** "...Okay, fire's back! I'm coming!" Parts skipped his way up the ramp joyfully and up to Enemy. "Hey Enemy."

"Ready to use the sniper rifle kiddo?" asked Enemy.

"Wait. _**Use**_ it? I'm not very good with guns."

"That makes two of you!" shouted Snot from the hill.

"Shut up Snot or God help me I will pack up all of these guns so no one gets shot today! You got me?" barked Enemy.

"Okay, I'll be quiet." Mumbled Snot.

"What do you mean you're not good with guns?" Enemy asked Parts. "You constructed a mortar on top of the base for Christ's sake."

"I never said I was bad at making them, what I meant was that I'm not good at shooting them. I'll just chuck a grenade or jump on their back or scream really loud. I was top of my class in screaming. Check it out. ARGH!"

"...Right. And hell, if push comes to shove, you can always throw your double entendres at them."

"Yeah, those things are deadly sometimes. You know, I have this one so long that I almost poked a guy's eye out with it."

"I didn't understand that one bit, but I'm glad I didn't." Enemy patted Parts on the back, then turned to Snot. "Snot! Looks like happy hour is over! Get your arse over here, Parts is the new target!"

"Crap! Okay!" shouted Snot who reluctantly began running back to Blue base. Parts took his place atop the hill while Snot ran through the basic instructions of the sniper rifle.

"So you just aim and shoot." Explained Enemy.

"Aim and shoot? Are you sure it's not a bit more complicated than that?"

"Yeah, damn simple piece of weaponry."

"Which way do I hold it? Cos, you know, we wouldn't want me to shoot it the wrong way and accidentally blow my head off, would we?"

"Careful there Snot. You'll kill Parts with your sarcasm before letting off a round. Just shoot the goddamn rifle."

"Fine." Snot raised the rifle to eye level, training the sights on Parts carefully. Slowly, he focused in, holding his breath for precision aiming. The breeze was soft, the sky was still, there was only him and his target. Nothing else. Not even the base, not even the soldiers-but the flock of birds that flew in front of him loudly were definitely real enough! Scared, Snot lost his aim and began firing wildly in every direction. Enemy quickly grabbed hold of Snot, calming him down.

"Whoa! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Take it easy, it was a flock of birds. Damn man, you let off five shots."

"So?"

"So, the magazine only carries four bullets."

"Huh. Maybe there was one in the barrel."

"What? You mean this whole time our army hasn't even bothered to tell us that our four-shot sniper rifle has an extra bit of space in the barrel for a fifth bullet? Heck, makes sense. Just put down the gun."

"Hey Parts!" shouted Phill. "You all right out there? You hit?"

"Add and 's' to hit and put it in my pants and you got that right!" replied Parts.

"Is he all right?" asked The Commander.

"Sir, I don't think anybody in this squad has been all right ever since we landed in this dump." Commented Phill. "But hey, sure, he's all right compared to the condition he was in before Snot started firing."

"Could you ask him to requisition some new pants!" shouted Parts.

"Yeah, requisition some new pants for the private, sir." Passed on Phill. Snot trudged up to The Commander and Phill, his head lowered in shame.

"Sorry I didn't kill anyone." He mumbled, handing the rifle to The Commander.

"That's all right son, you tried your best." Enthused The Commander. "Besides, I don't reckon any of us made one good shot with that thing. What are the chances you did?"

* * *

><p>"Come in Face Party. Come in Face Party. Party Leader, repeat your last transmission. Something about one of their privates having a turn with the sniper? Repeat your last transmission." Ordered ShitFace atop Red base. Only moments ago he had been in radio contact with his group and now they were gone, probably dick-ing around or something. "Listen arsehole, 'bang bang' isn't a suitable description of the gun they are using, no matter how well you mimic the sound...which wasn't too bad. Almost sounded exactly like a sniper rifle going off. Just give me a report!" ShitFace turned off his radio. "Douche bags." He spat. This was just what he needed, now he had to go break up the laugh and get them back in order. When he reached the cliff and found one of his team dead however, he knew that he wasn't dealing with some ordinary players. He checked through his comrade's sniper scope, the Blue base roof where one of them stood even now holding a sniper rifle; their Commander. "You bastard. We had an agreement, but I guess you decided to start the party early. How's about I return the favour and give you a little present..."<p>

The Commander called his squad to attention. "Now, we've all had a try at the sniper rifle, except for Parts. But now we are going to move onto my personal favourite; the rocket launcher. But before we do, I am going to just stretch my thigh with a well timed lunge." Just as The Commander lunged forward, a sniper round went whizzing overhead. "Christ! Enemy fire!"

"It wasn't me that time, I swear!" shouted Enemy.

"Not you, a hostile! Take cover!" The squad took cover behind the pillars as another three shots rang through the air, narrowly missing The Commander. "Name, can you make eyes on the shooter?"

Name shook his head. He didn't see the shooter, and he was also a little pissed off that he had been completely ignored up until this point.

"You killed my teammates, you fucking camping bastard!" shouted ShitFace from his cliff.

"He calling me gay?" asked The Commander.

"We weren't camping!" shouted back Phill. "And even if we were, you shouldn't complain! It's a legitimate military strategy used by real soldiers which we all are!"

"If that's the way you wanna play it..." began ShitFace, "then so be it."

"What the hell did he mean by that?" asked The Commander moments before a grenade landed inside the group of covering soldiers. "Saw it comin'."

* * *

><p><strong>BANG!<strong>

**That was the explosive ending to Chapter Two. Pardon the horrible joke but at the moment it's almost midnight when I'm finishing this off.**

**I hope you enjoyed this chapter, and Chapter Three 'Face Off' should be available soon. I promise this one will have much more action and fighting with some cool scenes.**

**Thank you readers and don't forget to review!**


	3. Face Off

Red vs. Blue...vs. Green

Story Three: Cheat Code

Chapter Three: Face Off

**Greetings readers (who randomly scrolled through FanFiction in the early hours of the morning). Obviously, if you just did that you should start reading from Story One. If you have been an avid reader of the stories from the beginning however, then feel free to continue on your merry way through the action packed Chapter Three!**

* * *

><p>"You lucky bastards." Moaned Snot. "You lucky, lucky bastards. Twice you all die, and what the hell do I get? Life! Ha! Life! I'll swap places with ya! One of ya! Please!"<p>

Name punched Snot's helmet so that it swung around back to front.

"Thank you, Name." Said The Commander. Snot spun his helmet back into its proper position and stood well back out of Name's reach.

"But it isn't fair! I didn't die!"

"What do you mean 'you didn't die'?" asked a groggy Enemy, leaning up off the ground.

"I mean _**I didn't die**_ in the explosion."

"What the hell did you do then?" asked Phill who hadn't even bothered trying to move, still face down on the stone floor.

"I jumped off the base."

"What?" asked Enemy.

"I jumped off the base. I figured I might as well do what the rest of you would have done and get away from the bomb, but _**no-ho-ho**_! You all decide not to move and get blown to pieces!" Snot kneeled down next to Parts. "Tell me what it was like. I'm begging you, please!"

"Well, it wasn't an experience to write home about or comment on in decent company." Described Parts vaguely.

"But I need details."

"Okay. I remember the bomb exploding. Then I kind of lifted out of my body..."

"Yeah," agreed Phill, "almost like-"

"Like an outer body experience." Finished The Commander.

"Or an acid trip." Added Enemy, with nods of agreement all round.

"And as I got a few feet off the ground, I kind of stopped and a word appeared, as if a message from God himself." Continued Parts.

"And what did it say?" asked Snot, enthralled.

"It was a little hazy to begin with, but then my eyes adjusted and I saw it. It said...'Respawn in 3...2...1...' and then I was here."

"That was...awesome!"

"Cool." Agreed Enemy.

Name gave the thumbs up.

"Well, are you all gonna sit around here wallowing?" demanded Snot almost heroically. "Or are you gonna help me take this bastard out...and hopefully get killed in the attempt?"

* * *

><p>With precision movement, the squad surrounded Red base, coordinating their attack positions carefully. <em>"Team one; enter through south entrance. Team two; take the northern entrance. Name; take the skylight." <em>Ordered The Commander. _"I don't want this S.O.B. to get out of this one."_

"_It's okay sir; you don't have to spell it for my sake."_ Said Parts. _"We're all adults here after all."_

"_He wasn't spelling anything, Parts." _Explained the annoyed Phill. _"It was an abbreviation. He was sayin 'son of a bitch'."_

"_Wouldn't that be 'S.O.A.B.' then?" _enquired Enemy.

"_What? No! Didn't we just have this discussion?"_

"_All of ya, shut up and get on in there! Double time it! Quadruple time it! Octagonal time it!" _shouted The Commander. His squad complied, entering the base, ready to take out their enemy. For a few moments everything went dead quiet, until;

"_Uh...something's wrong, sir."_Reported Phill.

"_What? Did you run into another spider web? Boo hoo, now get back to killing people!"_

"_No. ShitFace is gone. He's scrammed, looks like he's taken the supply stores as well."_

"You are all too easy to fool." Gloated ShitFace, watching the events unfold from across the canyon atop Blue base. "Did you really think I would be there? Waiting for you? Do you take me for some kind of fool?"

"Yep." Said The Commander, standing behind ShitFace with his shotgun raised directly at his head. "Why don't you just keep your comments of victory to yourself until you succeed? It'll make you look less like an idiot."

"Do you seriously think _**you**_ can hold me by yourself with your squad on the other side of this box canyon?"

"The one thing you learn about Blood Gulch when you've been here as long as we have;" explained The Commander, "is that there are many ways to get around." Suddenly, the rest of the squad appeared, running up the ramps and training their sights on ShitFace.

"Sorry we're a tad late, sir." Apologised Phill. "_**Somebody**_ wanted to get a photo of the stalactites to send home."

"It'll make a nice group portrait for my scrapbook." Smiled Parts. "We'll have to do it again with The Commander later."

"Belay the bullshit, Parts. Let's just get rid of this worthless maggot once and for all. I'm pretty sure you don't need a blindfold, and I ain't offering cigarettes. On the count of three, gentlemen." The squad raised their rifles. "Three!" Click! Click! "You know, we probably should have gotten some ammunition before we thought up of this plan."

"Here, you can have some of mine." Said ShitFace and began shooting the Green squad.

* * *

><p>"I hate that bastard!" shouted Snot, waking up the recently deceased others of his squad. "Shoots you all and leaves me to walk my arse back up here...<em><strong>again<strong>_! Tell you what, I will kill him myself."

"Which idiot had the bright idea of attacking without anything to attack with?" shouted Enemy, looking around. "Who's job is it to reload the goddamn ammunition in the first place?"

"Well..." began The Commander. "I thought it was a good plan. I mean, we didn't have the bullets, but we still had the guns."

"What the fuck use are guns without any bullets? Guns don't work without ammo, they don't shoot without ammo! That's the whole point of taking a gun into battle! It shoots bullets at people!"

"Oh sure, and I bet it would have been a smart idea to charge at him with a whole bunch of rounds in your hand, threaten to stab him with them or spit them at him?"

"Guys!" shouted Phill. "We know what our problem is; we need ammo which ShitFace-For-Brains currently has stashed in Red base. We just need to acquire some for ourselves which means stealing it. Who here has experience in being quiet for more than fifteen minutes?"

No one spoke. Name would have, but there's a perfectly obvious reason why he couldn't.

"I don't know whether to be impressed or take that as a 'no'." Commented Phill.

"Ah! You spoke! You're out!" Parts giggled. "I love this game."

"Okay! That's it!" exclaimed Phill. "I am sick of thinking up of these ridiculous plans and having to initiate them! Someone else do the work!"

"I will!" engaged Snot, standing forward. "My plan is two-fold; one: I distract Browneye while you guys steal the ammo? Problem? No? Then hurry up and get your arses over there while I take on that monster! I'm sure this will work."

* * *

><p>"So...how did it go?" asked Snot.<p>

"Considering we all ended up lying on the floor in this dark, dank cave after just being killed for the third time..." summarised Enemy. "...I don't think we hit the mark. ShitFace not kill you again?"

"Nope."

"Torturing you?"

"Uh, no actually. We had a very pleasant conversation to be quite honest."

"What about?"

"We spoke about the unsanitary conditions in which we work and how to better deal with extra terrestrial threats without the use of weaponry. We also conversed on the false boundaries of this reality, discerning that the world in which we live is merely a form of artificial entertainment."

"Like a videogame?"

"Something along those lines."

"Did you believe him?"

"Meh, I just found it to be an interesting concept."

"And what happened after that?"

"He kinda sussed out that I was there to distract him and asked if that were the case. I said yeah...and that's when he went off to kill ya'll. Don't worry though, he gave us some ammo, he was just kinda pissed that we didn't actually ask for it."

"Figures."

"I have an idea." Said The Commander.

"Anyone want me to kill us all now and save ShitFace the trouble?" asked Phill.

"I have the feeling that you're not very enthusiastic about my plan."

"Was it my enormous injection of sarcasm in that last statement, or the fact that you're a complete idiot that set you off?"

"Hey, if anyone's gonna inject stuff into the men around here, it's gonna be me." Said Parts. "Now, back off or I'll give you an injection of red hotness I've been saving up for a special occasion."

"Wow, for the first time, I actually feel threatened." Said Phill and shut up.

"For this to work," began The Commander, "we're gonna need an arse full of rocket launchers."

"I'm volunteering!" jumped Parts.

Name didn't want to go through the teleporter, he didn't even want to stand anywhere near one. Those things were bad luck and he heard that some people who went through came out black on the other side. He then realised how racist that thought had been and decided to shut his thoughts away as they made him sound like a complete douchebag.

"Name." Said The Commander. "You go through first and send us a signal telling us if it's clear or if he's killing you. A loud scream or whistle will do."

"Make sure there are no flies around when he goes through." Said Enemy. "If one gets de-molecular-ised with him, then he could turn into some kind of super fly like in that movie. What was it called? The one with the fly?"

'Fuck all of you.' Was the last thought Name had before he charged into the green wall, rocket launcher at the ready. When he opened his eyes, he was glad to be no longer on Red base where the I.Q. levels were heading for negative numbers, but standing in the middle of the canyon beside the receiver. For a moment, he chuckled to himself about how paranoid he had been. Then he began hating everyone again as Parts tumbled through the teleporter, smacking right into Name and pinning him to the ground.

"Oh, I'm sorry Name." Apologised Parts. "I didn't mean to violate your personal space like that. If I really meant to, then I would have bought you a drink or something. Speaking of which, you wanna have breakfast?" Enemy was next through the teleporter.

'Great!' thought Name. This is exactly what he needed.

"Name? What the hell?" exclaimed Enemy. "You've got a Parts on you!"

"Enemy!" yelped Parts. "I came barrelling through that thing and accidentally landed on Name here like a cheap ugly hooker on Hugh Grant."

"And yet, you're still on him."

"He didn't complain."

"Who didn't complain?" asked Phill who had just appeared. He saw Name and Parts and laughed. "Whoa! Name, I'm impressed. You can take torture."

"It's a good thing I'm going commando today, otherwise that fall would have been _**really **_uncomfortable." Said Parts.

Name pushed him off, surprised that it had taken him so long to do that in the first place.

Soon, everyone else had arrived through the teleporter and charged towards Blue base. ShitFace saw them all coming from the roof and took shelter inside the base. "We got him on the run!" shouted The Commander. "All of you, this is it! Death or glory! Death!"

'Death' hummed Name.

"Death!" screamed Snot.

"Glory!" screamed Phill.

"Money!" screamed Enemy.

"Morning glory!" sung Parts.

They entered the base, three in the front and three in the rear. They hid behind the wall near the entrance, dead quiet. _"We round the corner and take him out on three."_ Whispered The Commander. _"One."_ Everyone was tense, waiting for the order. _"Two."_ Rocket launchers at the ready, ShitFace couldn't escape. _"Three!"_ screamed The Commander. He, Name, Enemy, Phill and Parts rounded the wall and, mistaking each other as the enemy, shot each other across the empty room. When everything went quiet, Snot rounded his wall and gazed at the carnage.

"I didn't understand!" he complained to himself. "I didn't know we were supposed to go on three! I thought it was three and then go! Why doesn't anyone tell me about this shit before we go into battle?" he sighed. "Nobody tells me nothin'."

* * *

><p>The Greens had Blue base once more and they had a pretty good idea where ShitFace was hiding out...because he kept taunting them from across the valley. "Hey, losers!" he bellowed. "Thanks for telling me about the cave system! I would never have known about it if you hadn't! Great work shooting each other, by the way! Got it all on film and I downloaded it onto Youtube this morning! This thing's gone viral!"<p>

"Your mum got viral infections after I porked that fat sack of crap!" taunted Enemy back.

"You leave my mum out of this! Take it back!"

"Then I'd have to take you back as well, bi-atch!"

"Damn it!"

"You're lucky you didn't end up as a white wad on the wall of a gas station cubicle you unsympathetic bitch!"

"You're lucky I don't come over there right now and just kill you!"

"You can't kill me! You made sure you couldn't kill me! How's that for irony?"

"Hell!"

"Suck my dick, faeces head!"

"Nice work, Enemy." Complemented The Commander. "You're burning him better than hoodlums burning a Nissan Micra."

"Are you really complementing me, or have you forgotten how to feign sarcasm and are just saying this to get my hopes up but are so bad at letting me know that's what you're doing that I don't get the picture?"

"...Umm...both?"

"I got the Warthog prepped, sir!" jumped Parts. "All I had to do is stick my little finger in the hole to make it work. All memory has been erased."

"Excellent...and a tad disgusting. Name, Phill and I will be taking the jeep to ShitFace's base and attack him while you guys try to build up as best a defence as you can."

"Yeah, 'cos I can see the strategical weakness of having a base with a skylight and no doors with a secret entrance from a cave system below us." Smart-arsed Enemy. "Kind of a big design flaw."

"Commander," said Snot, walking forward, "I want to go with you. It's time I took revenge and stuck it up that brown bastard's arse."

"Well...perhaps." thought The Commander. "If Phill has no objecti-"

"Nope." Said Phill immediately. "Nope, I am completely fine with Snot in the death seat-gunner's seat! Good luck, dead budd- good buddy! See ya when you get back in pieces-peace!"

"Name, no objections?"

Name nodded, many objections he had swimming around in his mind, and several choice phrases along with them.

"Good, let's get going."

The jeep rolled easily over the hills of Blood Gulch. The sounds of the natural ambience had died down, leaving the canyon in a state of disarray. It felt so unnatural. "I don't like this." Murmured The Commander. "It's too damn quiet."

Snot began firing the turret wildly in the air. "Is this better?" he yelled over the gunfire.

"Perfect. Kinda gives up the element of surprise, but I feel more comfortable."

Name slowed down as they neared Red base, no sign of movement. They circled the base in the jeep, keeping a wide birth between them and the stone walls.

"I think we can safely assume that ShitFace has gone. Scared him off with our macho bravado and hauntingly good looks."

"I didn't know someone could be scared off by fictional attributes." Commented Snot. "I was so looking forward to dying too, brought a camera and everything to catch the wonderful moment. Now I'll never be able to see them."

'That made absolutely no sense whatsoever.' Thought Name to himself.

"Maybe he's just chicken. Yo, Chicken-ShitFace!" screamed Snot, causing The Commander and Name to jump in their seats. "Come out here and make me get some you douchebag or I'll come in there and make you do it yourself!" No reply. "Show yourself, coward!"

"Anybody else feel that?" asked The Commander.

Name nodded in agreement. He too could feel the slight tremor running through the jeep. A low hum was building up which made the pebbles and rocks shiver with ferocity. Even Snot had noticed and began kneeling down behind the turret. They wondered where all this was coming from and what on Halo could produce such a racket. The source rose above the base, hovering high in the air and inside the purple glider resided ShitFace, weapons trained on the jeep below.

"You rang?" he said over the loudspeaker.

"Uh...trick or treat?" stuttered Snot.

"Trick's on you." Smiled ShitFace, arming the guns. "Treat's for me."

Luckily, Name was no idiot. Kinda singles him out in this canyon. Knowing that a large explosion in the vicinity of them was about to take place, he slammed his foot down on several of the accelerator pedals and began swerving randomly like hell as ShitFace launched a shit storm on their arse.

"Snot! Open fire!" ordered The Commander.

"I can't! He's shooting at me!"

"Then you shoot right back at him!"

"Sure, that makes sense! Put myself out in the open for you guys!"

"Well, what else are you gonna do?"

"...I'm opening fire!" The turret almost had no effect on the flying machine, only painting little black dots on the hull. "It's impenetrable! What the hell is this thing?"

"Banshee! Bad news! Just watch out for the green balls!"

"He he, sounds like diseased balls." Laughed Snot to himself. "What is that supposed to mean? Is Parts talking to you on the radio?"

"I'm serious! Watch out for the-" at that moment, the Banshee fired it's green missile, narrowly missing the jeep and exploding a new crater in the canyon nearby. "Goodness gracious! Green balls of fire!"

"Oh my God!" exclaimed Phill, watching the chaos ensuing. "They could actually d-Wait, why am I so worried? We can't die. What is that thing chasing them?"

"I read about it in training." Said Enemy. "I think it's called an Albatross."

"That doesn't sound right."

"Oh my God!" exclaimed Parts who had just returned from baking victory muffins. "They could actually die!"

"No. They can't. I just said that." Said Phill.

"We need to save them! _**I**_ need to save them!" Heroically, Parts leapt from the base roof, soaring through the air before landing gracefully on his face. "Ow." He said, standing and launching into a run. "Don't worry, sir! I'm advancing from the rear!"

Phill and Enemy stood silently, happily, as they knew everyone else was gonna die except for them. "I'm glad everyone else is gonna die except us." Sighed Phill.

"Yeah." Returned Enemy. "Hey, is any part of you thinking that we should get into this fight?"

"When did you grow a conscience?"

"It's on rent."

"No. I don't think we should go in there. Why should we?"

"Exactly."

"We're just gonna run into this thing just to get killed over and over."

"What I was thinking."

"I mean, what are the chances that the whole 'not dying' thing is gonna stop this very moment and that ShitFace will actually kill those guys so we'll have no one else here to help us fight him?"

"Slim. Very...very slim...

...I think we should help them out."

"I agree."

* * *

><p>Explosion after explosion impacted the ground around them and fire billowed through the air. Name had been turning the wheel left and right for a while now and was having about as much fun as he'd had when this whole battle had started: none at all. It had all been so one-sided from the beginning and he expected to be dead at any moment, then alive several moments after that. It was here that he caught a glimpse of a green missile heading straight for the passenger's seat in the review mirror.<p>

"Incoming!" signalled The Commander. "Brace for-"

Name did the only thing he could; he slammed on the brakes.

The Commander was launched out of his seat and crashed through the windscreen. The missile impacted the chair and exploded just as Name leapt from the driver's seat, the flames licking the bottom of his boots. The car flipped over and up into the air over The Commander. Snot went flying out of the rear, but the bullet chain caught on his leg and wrapped around his thigh. With a crash the Warthog fell to the ground right side up, Snot's head spinning from the experience as he laid sprawled out, half in the gunner's position. "Whoa...oh." he moaned, this time in discomfort.

The Commander and Name ran past, not stopping to help Snot out of his predicament. "Good luck getting killed, Snot." Mumbled The Commander.

"I have vomit on my visor." Said Snot simply. He looked around, trying to get his eyes back in line with each other, or at least stop seeing two of everything. In the distance, he could see a purple blob flying up towards him from the ground. Or sky. Or whatever. His eyes focused and with horror he realised that the Banshee was beginning a strafing run. Snot attempted to pull himself up to the turret, but flopped back down. "Crap." He muttered then pulled himself up the bullet chain back into the rear of the jeep. "You wanna kill me?" he asked. "You gotta kill me first." He opened fire, sending round after round at the alien flying machine. None of it did any good, but it didn't matter. He would finally get his death honourably. Honourably that is until his foot was carried up by the chain towards the turret. Snot quickly let go of the trigger and hopped on one leg as he attempted to unwrap himself from his predicament. The tangle was too strong and the Banshee was quickly approaching. In one last attempt, he took out his pistol and shot the chain, successfully breaking it. Without any time to get ready, Snot was hit in the head with the right side of the Banshee and knocked out cold.

Parts ran towards the battle proudly. "I am here to help!" Several of the Banshee's weapons fired over his shoulder. "I have gone to change!" he said, u-turning and running straight for Blue base with The Commander and Name in tow. They quickly overtook him and ran up the ramp to join Phill and Enemy on the roof.

"Why in silky smooth fabrics didn't you help us?" barked The Commander.

"We have been helping you." Argued Enemy. "Phill and I came up with a plan."

"Actually, _**I**_ came up with the plan, you were just standing there and nodding." Said Phill.

"Is there any other way to make a plan?"

"Good point. Here's what I have in mind."

Parts was still running from the Banshee's strafing run. He never did track in high school so he wasn't the best of runners. "Guys!" he shouted. "You better hurry up and do something otherwise we'll all be covered in bird shit!"

"You guys ready?" asked Phill.

"Ready." Agreed The Commander.

Name nodded.

"We're all gonna fucking die." Said Enemy.

Name nodded.

"Parts! Drop!" shouted Phill.

"Drop what?" asked Parts. "Drop a pencil so that I can pick it up and distract him with my arse? Drop my pants so I can distract him with my penis?"

"Drop everything! And yuck!"

"Down!" Parts dove to the ground, the Banshee narrowly missing his head as it passed over him. ShitFace barely had any time to pull up to stop the Banshee from hitting the base.

"Now!" shouted Phill and he, Enemy, Name and The Commander leapt onto the Banshee, grabbing hold of whatever they could as it skyrocketed up into the sky, climbing higher and higher over the canyon walls. The four Green soldiers held on against the roaring wind, struggling with the intense speed and the diminishing oxygen levels. "We need to get inside!" shouted Phill. "Find some sort of-" he discontinued his sentence as the Banshee began spiralling round and round in an attempt to get them off the hull. Phill fell victim to the barrel rolls and began falling back towards the ground. When the tumbling stopped, The Commander, Name and Enemy gasped in relief.

"We need to find the opening mechanism before we enter space!" shouted The Commander.

"But we have enough oxygen supplies to last us several hours!" said Enemy.

"Used 'em." Said The Commander. "Is it getting dark in here? Where'd my bodily control go? No I don't wanna sleep...heck." The Commander passed out and slid off the hull, following Phill to the ground.

"Just you and me Name. Find the hatch controls!" Enemy and Name searched the hull, but neither were successful. The Banshee was about to break through the atmosphere and they would freeze.

Name looked at his arm and noticed the ice patches expand, even on other parts of his armour. All of his joints locked up and he lost his grip. 'Shit.' He thought as he was flung from the Banshee.

Enemy didn't have much time at all. Quickly, he tried the rear and discovered the hatch controls. He punched the console and the rear opened, revealing ShitFace inside the cockpit. Surprised, he didn't have any time to react as Enemy grabbed him by the neck and held him in the air. "Get off your plane." Misquoted Enemy and threw ShitFace away.

"Bitch!"

Enemy hopped inside the machine, the lights and dials confusing him. "I don't even know how to fly an Albatross." He said to himself. Grabbing the nearest joystick, he hoped to God this would do the trick.

Phill, The Commander and Name screamed as they fell. Although you couldn't hear Name. To everyone else, it just sounded like he was taking it like a man. He stopped screaming however when he noticed the purple spaceship flying next to him. Name quickly grabbed onto the ship which moved further on down, picking up The Commander. "Enemy?" he asked. "You better damn hope it's you in there! If not, I will get very angry."

"Of course it's me; I'm saving your lives."

"Bullshit!"

Enemy didn't have time to argue, so he pushed on further down towards Phill but overshot the mark.

"Hey!" shouted Phill, pissed off. "Watch where the hell you're flying!"

"Sorry!" shouted back Enemy. "I wasn't really concentrating!"

Enemy tried to slow the descent, climbing slowly back up to Phill. Suddenly, Phill was struck in the back and he was slammed face-first into the back of the Banshee. He was turned around by his attacker; ShitFace, who began punching him continuously. The Commander and Name both drew their pistols and began firing at ShitFace who weaved around the bullets. He took Phill's pistol and shot the engine, causing the Banshee to surge to the left. Enemy pulled up and Phill and ShitFace fell down beneath it, still heading back to Blood Gulch. Phill managed to punch ShitFace off him, giving him enough time to grab his rifle and fire up at his attacker. Unfortunately, every bullet missed and instead hit the underbelly of the Banshee, penetrating the hull and activating a large red coloured button.

"God, I hope red isn't a bad colour in alien." Commented Enemy, but was sadly mistaken when he felt the Banshee explode around him.

Phill paused for a moment. "I...am gonna get in _**so**_ much shit for this. I'm gonna burn." ShitFace came at him again, grabbing him and punching him over and over. They fought as they fell through the sky, gravity building and the ground growing larger.

Parts looked up at the debris falling from space. He was scared shitless. "Oh God, please don't let anything fall on me." He screamed as the first piece of the Banshee fell with a crash next to him. Running in a beeline, Parts narrowly more pieces of the machine and a couple of dead bodies too. Everything went quiet, and Parts looked around. Then, another thing hit the ground a little further away. When Parts looked however, he saw that something had landed on something else. ShitFace walked out of the dust, over Phill's dead body which he had used to cushion the fall. He marched slowly towards Parts who cowered backwards. "Please, please! Don't kill me! I'm too horny to die! Please, fifteen minutes is all I ask!"

"Don't worry." Said ShitFace almost calmly. "I'm not going to kill you."

"Thank you. Thank you! I-"

"That will." Said ShitFace, pointing up.

"Huh?" Parts looked up and was crushed by the cockpit of the Banshee. "Son of a bitch!" ShitFace chuckled to himself and began making his way towards Blue base to take what ammunition they had left. On the way, he passed Snot who was just coming around. Snot spotted ShitFace, then the wreckage and the pile of dead bodies.

"Mother fucker! Why won't you just kill me! What is so hard about shooting me? Huh? Why? Why? _**Why**_?" he moaned, collapsing to his knees. Snot cried his eyes out.

* * *

><p>ShitFace walked right into Blue base and found what little the Greens had left. "Can't they do anything right? They can't even kill me." Just then, someone grabbed ShitFace from behind. He struggled but the person was too strong, so strong in fact that he broke ShitFace's neck.<p>

Name emerged from Blue base, proud and walking taller than anyone else. He had killed the enemy. He rejoined his squad in the middle of the canyon, nodding to signal that what needed to be done was done. Nobody spoke, they accepted the news quietly and with respect. "Good plan, Phill." Said The Commander. "Whoever dies first, take out ShitFace when his guard is down."

"Good prediction saying he'd go for our ammo supplies." Said Enemy, patting Phill on the back.

"Yeah." Waved away Phill, he didn't want compliments at a time like this. "The canyon took a pretty good hit, didn't it?"

"Looks good this way though, the battle cut down the hill nicely. Looks almost like a completely different canyon."

"Hey guys," began Parts, "do you think that, if ShitFace could stop us from dying that he could stop himself from dying?"

"He did say something about having died before." Said Phill.

"What did he say?"

"**He said 'kill me once, shame on me'.**" The squad turned. "**'Kill me twice...'**" The figure held up his twin machine guns. "**...shame on me.'**"

* * *

><p><strong>Just one more chapter left to Story Three! Don't worry for those of you who are thinking this is getting a little repetitive; you know that the resolution is coming up. And the next chapter isn't just about fighting and dying; morals will be tested, truths will be revealed and an even greater threat will show itself in <strong>_**'Facepalm'**_**!**


	4. Facepalm

Red vs. Blue...vs. Green

Story Three: Cheat Code

Chapter Four: Facepalm

**Welcome to the last chapter of Story Three! So far, this has been my favourite to write. Chapter Four really opens up the loose ends of the three stories to drive into the fourth story, but more about that later. You've got some readin' to do. Enjoy!**

* * *

><p>"That was a momentous waste of time!" bitched Enemy. "We come up with a plan and just like <em><strong>that<strong>_ everything goes to hell! It's such a cheat that that guy gets to keep himself alive and he doesn't even tell us!"

"It was kinda obvious though." Said Phill.

"Yeah, kinda obvious when you think about it."

"I think the plan worked perfectly." Said The Commander. "Nice work, Name."

"What? He failed! Your plan was a total fucking bust! You must be good at squat, because that's what the hell your plan turned out to be!"

"Name and I made a deviation from the plan. You remember how you said it was obvious that he'd use the cheats for himself?"

"Yeah."

"We kinda figured that and decided that instead of temporarily having him dead, we'd up the ante so to speak."

"What does that mean?" asked Phill.

"It's the opposite of upping your uncle, right?" asked Parts.

"What? No! No, that's not what that means at all!"

"Are you calling my uncle a liar?"

"Name," continued The Commander, "would you like to explain."

Name stood there. He didn't want to acknowledge with any type of signal, express with any part of his body or attack them with anything in his arsenal just so they would have the satisfaction of getting to him. Although the urge was very strong.

In an alternate universe somewhere, Name walked out of the cave, made friends with ShitFace, got him to remove the Respawn and killed everyone. When he was airlifted back home he was awarded the Medal of Honour, Medal of Valour and Medal of World Liberation for getting rid of such appallingly bad soldiers which, statistics claimed, would be responsible for half the army's casualties. Unfortunately, our Name never thought of this eventuality and so the events never took place.

"Okay then, I'll explain." Said The Commander. "When I figured this out, I told Name that after he killed ShitFace, scan the armour and steal the codes thereby buying ourselves some assistance and leverage for blackmail. In our hands, it's a nuisance, but if _**accidentally**_ broadcast to the whole sentient universe it'll be a bitch."

"Wow, that's actually a very good idea." Wooed Enemy. "Did you have a brain transplant recently that I wasn't told about?"

"Phht! This is ridiculous!" exclaimed Phill annoyingly. "He isn't using 'cheat codes', that's impossible!"

"Then how else do you explain what's going on here? Divine intervention? I doubt God would be so kind as to bring you back to life in the exact same place that makes you want to kill yourself."

"He's probably got some kind of cloning laboratory or a healing device or a physical time reversal machine."

"Time reversal? Don't make me spit." Argued The Commander. "Time travel isn't possible and if it were, there's be so many copies of us that the paradox created by them would swallow the galaxy whole. But at least that means there will be no more New Jersey."

"Parts, back me up on this would ya." Pleased Phill. "You don't believe this crap."

"Meh, I'm easier than a one dollar male hooker."

"You mean female, right?"

"Hmm? Sure, if you're into that kinda stuff which I am _**totally **_not. Damn, I miss home."

"Remind me never to ask for help again."

The Commander continued explaining things; "Name faxed me the codes he stole-"

"That doesn't seem physically possible."

"-and I picked out what I thought would be the best one for our cause: invincibility. Can't die, can't get hurt, can't hurt you guys but sacrifices have to be made I guess. Just don't tell Snot when he gets here; if he finds out that none of us can't come close to death then he'll just complain. I don't think even codes can stand up to that."

"This whole invincibility thing just seems insane. It's the kind of plot in a story that removes the drama and the jeopardy from the situation and I mean, what kind of idiot would write that in?"

"You read my FanFiction, didn't you?" asked Parts.

"Parts, what would you say if I said 'two girls, one cup'?"

"No idea what that even is."

"...Okay, slight edit; 'two guys, one cup'."

"Quit stealing my plots you copywriting bastard!"

"Quiet!" shouted Enemy. "Just relax, we'll get out of this soon and then we'll be on our way home. Just don't tell Snot about the invincibility cheat codes and how we can't die or get hurt."

"What's this about an invincibility cheat code that stops us from dying and getting hurt?" asked Snot who had silently snuck up behind them like a ninja wearing bunny slippers.

"Nothing!" exclaimed the squad.

"I will accept your surprised yelps to divert my attention away from your previous conversation acceptable." He said. "What's new?"

"Nothing much." Said The Commander. "So, didn't kill y-"

"No. No he did not. Fed me more of his 'we're part of a game' shiz which I didn't buy for a second."

"Thank you!" yelled Phill.

"Commander, how long until the cheat is operational?" whispered Enemy.

"It shouldn't take too long now; I started uploading it three hours ago and the hourglass is still turning so-"

"Wait, three hours? What kind of operating system is your armour running?"

"Windows '98. I know it's a little slow, but I like the layout of Word better than the newer versions."

"That isn't slow, it's old. Mine is so much more advanced, like right now, it's telling me that an intruder has just entered the cave behind me and is pointing double machine guns at me. Why does this sound so familiar?"

"**Die bastards!**" roared ShitFace. Faster than light was too slow for the Greens to run, so they made it look lazy. Bursting from the cave amidst a shit storm of shrapnel and rock chips, they scampered down the incline, tripping and sliding as ShitFace continued his assault.

"How the hell longer 'til those things kick in?" asked Phill as he stumbled down the slope.

"Just a few more seconds!" responded The Commander, attempting to keep his footing. "No!"

"What?"

"Not you!" shouted The Commander. "No, I do _**not**_ want to run an anti-virus scan! I don't care if Norton says so; he's not wearing my armour! Get that paper clip the fuck off my visor!"

ShitFace blew his way out of the cave, firing clip after clip at the fleeing soldiers. Half of them managed to take cover behind the rocks.

"How the hell is he still shooting?" asked Enemy out loud, enough for ShitFace to overhear him.

"**My weapons never run out of ammunition.**" He proclaimed, obligingly answering Enemy. "**They each have a small factory inside where tiny people manufacture bullets out of thin air.**"

The Commander leapt in the air, shouting; "I bloody knew it! Prove me the hell wrong now!"

Snot left his rock behind, charging at ShitFace. "This is my chance!" he shouted. "You can't ignore an attacking soldier, can you? Come and kill me!"

"Snot, no!" called Parts. "You've got so much to live...for?"

"**You wanna die?**" asked ShitFace. "**You really wanna die? Then so be it.**" ShitFace aimed his twin machine guns at Snot.

"Goddamn it! I hate you sons of bitches! The one time! The one fucking time and you've gone and done this crap! Can't a guy catch a break? I am gonna nag you all until the end of freaking time now! Wanna stop me? You can't! I'm immortal!"

* * *

><p>"You're a piece of work, you know that?" said The Commander, turning to Phill.<p>

"What the hell did I do?"

"All that time in the cave; 'I don't believe in codes', 'these guys don't know what they're talking about'. But as soon as you set foot in the line of fire, you're all; 'get those codes running', 'hurry up with them codes'. Why don't you figure out which bowl you're shitting in 'cos if you're gonna be swapping sides and flipping stories all the goddamn day long, I ain't picking you up and choosing for ya." The Commander stormed into Blue base, Name right behind.

Name was confused; he had to admit it to himself. He was also very scared. Sure, he couldn't die, but after finding out your life is just part of some sort of artificial form of entertainment, he couldn't help but wonder if his own life was being played with.

"Don't mind him." Assured Parts. "He is under a lot of stress and I'm sure he'll come out of his rut sooner or later. Maybe I can entice him with a nice full body massage." Parts followed The Commander into Blue base. Enemy put his hand on Phill's shoulder.

"Dude, we've been friends in this, right?" he asked.

"I guess. We've kinda been the closest ones here."

"Please! You ain't seen close until you've caught Parts with his parts showing and him slipping them to The Commander. You've got to understand; I didn't make my mind up on this overnight. Even if I wanted to for obvious reasons. Just look around you at everything that's been going on. All this crap we've had to fight our way through, so many things we can't explain and a lot of things I don't wanna know. You just need to ask that one question we've all been thinking; why are we here?"

Phill nodded, then turned to Enemy; "I used to think I knew the answer to that question. I thought it was so clear to me that no one and nothing would take it away. Now that we are here, I can't help but wonder if everything I know is wrong. What if we're not here for Earth? What if ShitFace is right? What if The Commander really is the best Green Command had?"

"I think we _**all**_ know the answer to that question. _**All of us**_."

"Most of all...where is Snot?"

* * *

><p>"Please!" pleaded Snot. "You have to change it all back to the way it was! I don't want to be immortal! I don't want to live forever, and I'm sure you don't want us to live forever either!"<p>

"You do make a good point."

"Then you agree? You see it my way?"

"Yes. But do I have your complete cooperation on this matter?"

"Absolutely. You have no idea how much I am willing to do for this."

"Then deliver the message to your team. I shall meet you in the canyon later today. All codes will be wiped from the system; there will be no unlimited ammunition, no invincibility, no respawn. From this moment on, we are all at the mercy of each other and there is nothing we can do to stop that. Go now, before I decide to kill you first."

Snot didn't move.

"I realise now that that probably wasn't the best incentive to get you to leave. Okay, leave now or I shall spare your life."

"Gone." And Snot ran out of Red base, leaving ShitFace to his faculties.

"I had better call in some friends, hadn't I?"

* * *

><p>"You did what?" shouted The Commander, holding Snot up against the wall.<p>

"I made a deal with ShitFace to remove all cheats so that we could all die. It seemed like the thing you guys all wanted."

"No Snot! That's the thing _**you**_ want!" yelled Phill.

"I thought you would all want to go out fighting with pride!"

"No!" shouted The Commander, Phill, Enemy and Parts.

Name shook his head.

"What did you guys have in mind?"

"Blackmail." Said The Commander. "We have his cheats. So he lets us live in exchange for us not releasing them to the whole Universe so they can use them."

"That's boring, and more over, it doesn't help me."

"We realise that! That's why we didn't tell you! Now you've gone and ruined the whole goddamn plan and we're all gonna die!"

"But now that he doesn't have any cheats on his side, we've got a better chance against him."

"Snot, did your mom play basketball with you as the ball when you were a baby or were you born this brain-dead?" asked Enemy rhetorically.

"That's rhetorical, right?" asked Snot.

"Yes."

"Good, 'cos I was about to answer that."

"Ugh! Snot! There is nothing stopping _**him**_ calling in reinforcements! He did it before and he'd be an idiot not to do it now!"

"Can't we call in reinforcements too?"

"Hello!" roared a crazed Phill. "What freaking army do you serve in? When the hell has Command ever, and I mean _**ever**_ sent anything our way that could remotely constitute as help in any way in the broadest possible sense?"

"..."

"Guys, can I say something?" asked Parts. "You all just seemed to have a lot of great arguments against Snot; I just wanted to get in on it. Ahem! You are a lousy tennis player and I want a second opinion on that last call! The ball was definitely out! There, that's it. Thank you for listening." Parts sat back down, stared at by the rest of the squad.

"Name? Got anything to add?" asked The Commander.

Name shook his fist angrily at Snot.

"Well spoken." Complimented The Commander. "Well, there's no point in fighting over it now. We've gotten what we wanted; a chance to kill that son bitch in regular untainted and un-boring combat. I mean, seriously? Cheats take all the fun out of games, kinda like when they removed the explosions from Grifball. Who needs auto-aim? Who needs your invincibility, your super speed, invisibility and unlimited ammo? I prefer a good old fashioned fight because it reminds me of why I'm here. I'm here because I can be me and I'm damn sure you guys are here for that same reason."

"That was a great speech sir." Complimented Parts.

"A wise man once told me never to take compliments from someone below or equal to me, only above."

"Was that a compliment or an insult?" asked Phill who never received and answer.

"Except that you said 'invincibility' twice." Parts continued.

"No I didn't. I said invincibility and invisibility." Argued The Commander.

"Sounds the same to me."

"Look, they're two different things; invincibility is not getting hurt or dying, invisibility is not being seen."

"I'm still not following you."

"Come on, let's go die."

* * *

><p>ShitFace stood proudly in the exact centre of the canyon. Soon it would all be over, one way or another. Well, more likely his way than the other. I mean, if the last couple of hours were anything to go by, this would all be a piece of cake. The Greens couldn't fight off hunger let alone another person, so he'd be done scraping them off his armour and logged off in time for Cheerios. Ooh, Cheerios! He'd completely forgotten he had them in the pantry. They tasted so good it only made him want to kill the Greens even quicker. Where the hell were they? "Stool face! Stool face!" crooned a familiarly gruff voice from the cliff top.<p>

"Hey, that's Shit to you! Wait..."

"We had a deal I hear; I expect you've honoured it."

"Yes I have. The cheats are off. I'm a little short-handed on vehicles though, the jeep isn't completely repaired so I won't be able to use it during this fight. I really screwed that puppy up bad."

"That's fine, tank is still busted. Got a fire we can't put out. You got any advice for that?"

"Hmm. Have you tried shooting it? Always seems to do the job for me."

"Well, enough of this teatime banter!" asserted The Commander. "Its high noon and I say it's about time we had ourselves a fight."

"I'm glad you decided to encounter me honourably and fairly."

"Who said anything about fair?" The Commander took a deep breath then shouted; "Attack!"

"Wait, was that a rhetorical question?" asked ShitFace. He quickly disbanded that train of thought when he noticed the six Green soldiers closing in from every direction. He cracked his knuckles, stretched his neck and performed a couple of lunges. This would be all too easy.

Snot stopped away from where the action was taking place. He wanted to be somewhere where he would get killed but without all the pain and torture of the minutes getting beaten up beforehand. Choosing a prime position where he figured a lot of fire would end up; he stood there waiting to be accidentally shot. "Okay, I can feel it in my fingers; I feel it in my toes. Someone just shoot me now. Anyone." He waited for a moment, and then BOOM! He opened his eyes to see that The Commander had misfired one of his rockets, but it had just missed Snot. "Damn it." he cursed, then moved over to where the rocket had struck. "There we-" Another rocket misfired and hit the place where Snot had been standing. "Damn it!" he cursed again. This time, he moved over to unscathed ground close by where the fire had been concentrated. "This time-" Another rocket fired and hit in the first crater where Snot had just been standing. "Son of a bitch! You're all doing this on purpose, aren't you?"

"Yes!" the rest shouted back, including ShitFace.

The fight had been going smoothly so far for both sides; no one had died or been injured which was a good average. ShitFace knocked Name and Phill away from him as they charged. Then Parts decided it was his chance, so he jumped in front of ShitFace and began slapping him continuously on the face. This didn't really hurt. Then he started slapping ShitFace on the chest which hurt even less. Then Parts started, what felt like, massaging his chest, which really hurt ShitFace's ego so he kicked Parts in the groin. "There goes the baby maker." Squeaked Parts as he fell to the ground.

ShitFace was then kicked to the ground by none other than the silent warrior of the Greens; Name. Pissed and unbelievably furious, Name was ready to die today. He went to stamp on ShitFace's helmet, but ShitFace blocked the blow, twisting Name's foot and flipping him over.

Suddenly, The Commander's silhouette appeared over ShitFace with a fist ready to break his nose. Rolling away just in time, ShitFace kicked The Commander's arm, almost snapping it but sending him rolling downhill. Enemy swung left and right at ShitFace who narrowly avoided every blow. A rock pelted him in the head and he glanced Snot throwing them from afar. While ShitFace was distracted with the combined forces of Enemy and Snot, Phill knocked him in the helmet with The Commander's rocket launcher. Sparks flew from the armour, but ShitFace was quick to respond; grabbing the striking end of the rocket launcher and swinging it around with Phill still attached. Phill's legs whipped dangerously through the end, kicking Enemy away. He was then launched into the air where he collided with Snot. Name and The Commander were about to attack when suddenly; "Everybody stop!" shouted ShitFace.

"So, you've had enough, have you?" taunted The Commander. "I knew it. Only Greens could be this consistently annoying."

"No, that last blow to my helmet started malfunctioning my drives. I'm not sure, but I think some of my codes could have been randomly accidentally activated."

"Which ones?" asked Enemy.

"I don't know, I guess we'll just have to wait and-See!" he screamed as the gravity was turned off. The seven people in the middle of the box canyon suddenly began falling towards the sky. They screamed and screamed before ShitFace made any sense out of it. "That was the anti-grav cheat!"

"No shit, Sherlock!" shouted Phill. "How the hell do we turn it off?"

"Bash my helmet! We can try and get it to swap to something a little less deadly!" And so one by one, they started hitting ShitFace in the head. "Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow!"

"Sorry." Apologised Enemy.

"Don't apologise to him! He's the bad guy!" ordered The Commander. "Do you apologise to every bad guy you kill?"

"At the moment, I'm apologising to the _**only**_ bad guy I've ever fought."

"Ow. Ow. Ow. Who's the one hitting my arse?"

"_**I **_am _**not**_ sorry." Said Parts.

"Ow!" ShitFace's helmet sparked again. "Yes! I think that..." They all noticed the lack of momentum they were now experiencing. "...worked."

"I've got a bad feeling about this." Said Enemy.

"I don't." Said Snot and they all began gaining downward momentum, screaming just as loudly.

"Great! Instead of dying from space suffocation, we're gonna die from falling!" bitched Phill.

"Dude, there's no point in putting 'space' in front of a widely used term for the purposes of saying it's in space!" complained Enemy. "It's just unnecessary because it's all the same kind of suffocation: you don't get oxygen! Saying 'space' just makes you sound stupid!"

"Oh, and what do you call water suffocation then?"

"Uh...drowning!"

"...Touché."

"Brace for impact!" shouted The Commander.

"Brace what?"asked ShitFace.

"I don't know. Whatever you can find!"

"I'm bracing something." Inflected Parts slyly. The ground grew in size as they closed in. Falling back into Blood Gulch, they all closed their eyes and awaited their deaths.

"I didn't realise the ground was so soft." Said The Commander.

"No wonder I've failed killing myself all these years." Moaned Snot. "Even the ground is working against me."

"This must be the graphics softener code." Informed ShitFace. "The ground broke our fall."

"Duh." Said Enemy. "It really is bouncy."

They all stared at each other, then the Greens turned to ShitFace. "Get him!" ordered The Commander. Jumping at ShitFace, the Greens continued their attack. ShitFace jumped out of their way, rolling to safety. They charged once more, but ShitFace slammed the ground with his fist sending a ripple across the canyon and tripping up the squad. The Commander rode the wave down and tackled ShitFace. As the waves collided with the canyon walls, larger waves were reflected back across causing an ocean-like effect. ShitFace was carried away by one of the waves, The Commander by another. Phill bumped into ShitFace who punched him square in the face.

"Argh! Son of a bitch! What is it with you guys and my face?" ShitFace grabbed him by the throat and began choking him. Enemy barrelled down the wave and toppled ShitFace. He and Phill were ready to take him down, but ShitFace belly flopped on the wave between them, causing it to knock them both away. ShitFace was picked up by another wave, but he steadied himself atop the apex. Heading straight for him was another wave of equal size and standing on it was Name. They stared each other down as their waves smashed into each other, sending them flying through the air at each other. They grabbed each other in mid air and struggled until they hit the familiarly hard ground. They both looked up to see that the waves had disappeared and the rest of Green squad spread out around the canyon.

"That was _**so**_ much fun!" exclaimed Parts, clapping. "Can we do that again? Please! Please!"

"No!" shouted The Commander. "Go and steal some ammo from Red base."

"Sure thing, sir." Parts began skipping towards Red base.

"Snot. Snot! You go with him!"

"I don't think I will." Said Snot. "Now that the ground is hard again, I have half a mind to fling myself off a cliff. Good d-Argh! Argh!" he screamed in pain as his head inflated.

"What the hell is that? And, moreover, is it contagious?" asked Enemy.

"Big Head code." Said ShitFace.

"And what's th-Argh!" screamed Enemy as his head inflated. Phill chuckled at him.

"You look ridic-Owiee!" he screamed as his head inflated also.

"Did you wanna continue on with your sentence?" asked Enemy.

"No. No, I'm good."

Name's head inflated, followed by ShitFace and The Commander's. Everyone stumbled around, falling over because of the weight of their massive craniums. The Commander and ShitFace attempted to fight each other, but neither one could reach the other their heads were so big.

"Parts!" called The Commander! "Has your head expanded?"

"Uh..." thought Parts. "You mean the one on my shoulders?"

"Yeah!"

"Then no."

Noises of disgust issued from everyone else. "I did not need to know that." Said ShitFace.

"After a couple of months, you get used to him. But we all know that is actually a complete lie. So...how long are we stuck like this?" asked The Commander and got his answer almost immediately when everyone's head deflated back to regular size. "Well, that wasn't so bad." Said The Commander. "Hey! Where's ShitFace? Why has he turned into a flash bang grenade? Oh jeez." Flash! BANG!

* * *

><p>"Ammo. Ammo. Ammo. Ammo. Why is there only a big purple plane?" asked Parts as he searched through Red base. "Oh well, I guess I have nothing else to do but finish this sentence without somebody discovering me in here and trying to attack-" Just then ShitFace discovered Parts in Red base and tried to attack him.<p>

"You shouldn't have come in here!" he roared, swinging a punch at Parts. Parts ducked out of the way. "Stealing is a very bad thing to do!" ShitFace kicked him back into the Banshee. "And I have every right to kick your arse!" ShitFace formed a fist and sent it directly at Part's head. Parts wished he could take a step back, so he did. Clang! "Argh! Mother f-" cursed ShitFace, biting his lip. "What the hell?" He was confused; Parts had walked through the Banshee. "I thought we agreed no codes!"

"But I'm not using a code!" claimed Parts. "I wouldn't even know how to use one!" ShitFace rounded on Parts who backed into the wall, then straight through the wall to the outside.

"Fine! If that's the way you wanna play it!" shouted ShitFace who ran straight at the wall, then straight into the wall. He fell to the ground, rolling in pain. "Goddamn it! What the hell is going on here?"

Parts didn't want to stick around to find out. He was already back to the rest of his squad by the time ShitFace got to his feet. "Guys! Something weird is going on here!"

"I never thought you'd figure it out." Said The Commander.

"What? No, I just walked through a wall but I wasn't using any codes and it couldn't have been ShitFace because he couldn't do it either."

"That's called luck. You shouldn't bitch about that sort of thing when it happens." Advised Enemy. "Just nod and accept it."

"**YOU!**" hollered ShitFace atop Red base. "**I thought this could be an honourable battle and we could all face our fates respectively, but I see now that this was not part of the deal! If you can't be faithful to our agreement then I will ensure that when my allies bombard Blood Gulch from the sky!** **When they see my signal, a whole armarda will launch and drop enough explosives to blow this hole into one massive crater! I may be killed with you, but at least I will have the satisfaction of knowing that you all died with me!**"

"...This place is already technically a crater." Said Phill. "Just saying."

"We need to do something now." Said Enemy. "Stop him signalling his allies."

"I know how he'll do it." said Parts. "He's got a Banshee in the hangar. I saw its insides when I walked through it; its set on autopilot and the self-destruct was online. He's gonna blow up the Banshee in mid flight like a flare."

"How long have we got?" asked Snot.

"Two inches. I mean minutes."

"Just _**had **_to slip that one in, didn't you?" sighed Enemy.

"I'm an expert at slipping one more in."

"Kill me now."

"Then there's nothing we can do to stop the Banshee from launching, but maybe..." thought The Commander. Suddenly, he turned around. "Hey Litter-Box-Mc-Crappy!" he shouted at ShitFace. "It just so happens that we have a code here that will transport us safely out of Blood Gulch! You wouldn't want us to do that, would you?" They heard ShitFace's growl of anger from where they were standing. The Commander turned to the rest of the squad. "Name, Enemy and I will keep him busy. Phill, I am relying on you, Parts and Snot to keep ShitFace and his Banshee in _**tow**_. Do you understand me?"

Phill thought for a moment; what was The Commander on ab-"I get you, sir."

Phill, Snot and Parts left Name, Enemy and The Commander to face off ShitFace who was advancing across the canyon towards them. "Do you have a plan to keep him busy that keeps us alive?" asked Enemy.

"Just fight as if your life depends on it." said The Commander. "And if that ain't the reason why we're here, then I don't know what is."

* * *

><p>Crack! Phill snapped the tow reel off the Warthog. He, Snot and Parts scurried into Red base where they found the Banshee sitting in the hangar just like Parts said. "While Parts and I attach this to the Banshee, you take this and get it to the others." He told Snot.<p>

"Why me?" asked Snot.

"Why not you? I just gave you an order and I expect you to obey it."

"But I mean, why me? Why do I have to suffer through all this torment and torture just to have nothing gained? When will I get a break and get what I deserve?"

"Snot, if there's one thing I have learned...it's never pass up an opportunity at revenge. This is your chance; take it or leave it."

Snot took the tow cable. "Yoink!"

The battle was not going too well; the Greens were almost exhausted and ShitFace's anger was giving him the extra strength to hold all three of them off at the same time. "We can't keep this up much longer, sir." Said Enemy after being thrown away.

"Imagine you're beating up a celebrity you hate, that keeps me going." Brushed off The Commander. He didn't want to admit it, but if Phill didn't finish up his end of the plan soon then they would all die for certain.

Name was doing the best with ShitFace; he had at least landed some punches. There was nothing more that he wanted than to see ShitFace gone for good; he couldn't stand the idea of one of his victims still living especially after his kind of career.

The Commander was knocked back once more, but this time, he found the rocket launcher he had been missing. Quickly loading it, he aimed straight at the two fighting soldiers and fired. The rocket fell short, only blowing Name and ShitFace closer to Red base. ShitFace landed on top of Name and pinned him down, punching him continuously. It was then that he noticed the three soldiers inside the hangar messing about with his ship. Punching Name once more, ShitFace stood and ran towards the base.

Snot saw him coming, and figured this was about as good a time as any to exact his revenge. He charged at ShitFace, holding the tow high in the sky. Unfortunately, it wasn't that long so Snot was pulled back to the ground when he ran out of line. ShitFace wasn't paying attention to Snot, he had to stop Phill and Parts screwing with the Banshee. Snot seized the opportunity as ShitFace walked by, he ties the tow around his leg. ShitFace saw him and picked him up by the neck. "**You can't win. There is nothing you can do to stop the launch now!**"

"Who said we wanted to stop the launch?" asked Snot. ShitFace noticed the line attached to his boot and that it was connected to the Banshee. His internal clock counted down 'Launch in 3...2...1...'

"Got it!" informed Parts just as the ship powered up.

"Get down!" shouted Phill, pushing Parts to the ground as the ship flew out of the hangar.

"Easy tiger."

"Oh, shut up!"

The Banshee began flying into the air. ShitFace knew he was done for. He turned to Snot one last time. "**You will all still die.**"

"Fine by me." ShitFace was whipped away by the ship as it flew higher and higher into the sky carrying his screams with it.

"There goes the Albatross." Sighed a relieved Enemy.

"Okay, now I _**know**_ you're wrong." Said The Commander. "It's not an Albatross, it's a Ban-" BANG! "...shee." Immediately, they all heard the rumbling and felt the vibration signalling the armada's approach. In this distance, hundreds of ships of different sorts made their way slowly over the horizon towards Blood Gulch. "Here they all come."

"Wow, his friends have everything; they've got Albatross' and Seagulls."

"What? Now this is just getting ridiculous. I admit, you were right about the Warthog, but that is not called an Albatross! It's a Banshee! And those 'Seagulls' are actually Pelicans! I mean, what do you call that smaller version of a Banshee that hovers?"

"The Poltergeist."

"Ghost! What about the Mongoose?"

"I don't know a Mongoose. All I know is that we have these things called Skunks that are-"

"Screw it all! I am ordering you not to name another vehicle as long as we are alive. This time."

Phill, Snot and Parts returned to the rest of the squad. "Nice job, Snot. You really are a soldier."

"Well, you know." Mumbled Snot. "Anything to keep us alive."

"Seriously?"

"Sure." He said through gritted teeth.

"This sucks." Complained Parts. "I don't wanna go out this way. I liked it better when I was crushed by the Banshee right here where that wire is."

"Yeah...wait, what?" They hadn't noticed before, but since that battle, a large grey wire had been poking out of the crater left behind from the impact. They stared at it, ignoring the ships headed their way.

"What is it?" asked Snot.

"It says something." Said Enemy, kneeling closer. "L.A.N. What does that mean?"

"No idea." Answered The Commander. "This could be part of that virtual world ShitFace was talking about. Maybe this is what is keeping us here."

"Don't start with that crap again!" complained Phill. "This isn't a videogame; this is real life where wires don't just appear out of nowhere. For all we know, this is what keeps us in contact with Command whom we can call to call of the bombing attack!"

"Command wouldn't do that. You know as well as I do that they couldn't give two licks of an envelope to send us away in the post and you expect them to stop a bombing run?"

"But for all we know, this wire could be our lifeline." Interrupted Enemy. "Cut it and we kill ourselves."

"I think we shouldn't touch it; take our chances in the caves." Said Phill.

"That would sentence us all to certain death!" shouted The Commander. "Cut it and live."

"Leave it!" shouted Enemy. They all began arguing amongst themselves, all the while the ships drew closer, almost directly above Blood Gulch. They were preparing to drop their payload. The fighting was about to turn violent, until...

BANG!

The Greens turned around. The wire was split open sending sparks flying. They looked up to see Name standing with his pistol drawn and recently fired. The way he figured; what's the worst that could happen?

And then, the universe stopped existing.

* * *

><p>"<em>Hello. My name is Sir."<em>

"Hello?" said Phill groggily, awaking in the strange room.

"_I am here to help you."_ Continued Sir.

"Where am I?"

"_You and your squad are no longer in the universe."_

"That's funny, I could swear I just heard you say we're not in the universe."

"_That is correct."_

"Where are you?" asked Phill.

"_I am watching you."_

"Where's my squad?"

"We're here." Said The Commander's voice. Phill turned to see his squad waking up around him. "It's true, the universe is gone and it's entirely our fault."

"_Do not be discouraged, Commander."_ Said Sir.

"How'd the disembodied voice know my name?"

"_I know much about you, many things that even you have forgotten. Now they are things you must be reminded of."_

"What do you mean?" asked Phill.

"_For a while, you have asked yourselves about the meaning of your existence; 'why you are here'. I am here to tell you why. I am here to answer your questions._

_I am here to tell you everything."_

* * *

><p><strong>The last chapter of Story Three, now onto Story Four. I had to rush through this one, as I will probably be doing so with the next story in fact. While I have enjoyed writing Red vs. Blue vs. Green, I have wanted to move onto other projects and am currently devising another story I am very much looking forward to writing for you. Until then, there are four more chapters that await you. Thanks for reading Cheat Code, and don't forget to review!<strong>


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